11 things that 3 year olds do that you compassionately tell them off for because really you want to do it too:

1) shout yuck when they don't want to eat something and put both hands inside their mouths to dig at their tongues
2) continually say 'I'm tired I need to be carried'
3) look you in the eye and drop whatever they don't want to eat on the floor
4) state the truth. Yes that man is very fat.
5) hit piano keys all at once as loudly as possible pretending you are a concert pianist.
6) after spilling half a cup of milk on your parents mattress at bedtime focus on the fact that you NEEDED all that milk and cry about not being got more milk whilst the spill is dealt with
7) when people ask you nicely to help them do something just calmly say no.
8) bite people when they annoy you. (Just imagine your boss asks you to redo that report you just wrote, no need to reply, just lean in and bite him). Satisfying.
9) pick the best parts of dinner off someone else's plate and shove them in your mouth before anyone can stop you.
10) push the baby over, just to see how she will fall.
11) wine 'I'm tired' continually to see who will carry you, push you in a pushchair or source any other transport method to facilitate your laziness. Imagine stepping out your door and expecting anyone walking by to deliver you to where you need to go with no effort on your behalf. If it works start demanding snacks that are not brown.