Today i finished my counselling, and the process seems nice and complete. I feel like I've completed a cycle, starting in one place and going through everything to come back to a similar, but happier place than before. However, i also fear it is possible that i have bravely stepped out of my dark warren , like a young buck rabbit on the first day of spring, only to find that on my confident meander into the lovely field of grass (or shall we say possibilities & opportunities) i actually quickly realised that living in a dark warren could really be rather comfortable, change isn't a good thing, i like to have meticulous control, and a warren with a new recordable digi box and ice cream is actually quite a nice place to be; and therefore retracted rapidly back into my comfort zone faster than i could even smell the fresh cut grass; reassuring myself that I'd seen and learnt all i could from outside.
Whichever way, I'm happier.
The most exciting thing i learnt from my counsellor today was that perhaps somethings we do are just random, with no real reason, but often we do things for a reason, hidden or apparent. When i was a teenager i took my curtains down. Not satisfied with that, i then took my curtain rail down and lived for years with no curtains. Later on i painted my ceiling blue, with a swirl of white stars, mapped with luminous spots to create my own little planetarium. Now plenty of kids do this, it could mean nothing. But it could mean that i was trying to remove the barriers between me and the world, trying to remain in my house, but at the same time be liberated and exposed to the raw world.
I did used to like to sleep in the woods.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
The Jading Process....
Tx wrote a poignant blog today, basically about becoming jaded at life, and knowing that you are becoming jaded and trying to resist it. I guess her saving grace is that she knows it. I cant tell if I've given up already or not. When i think about going to live abroad as a possibility i love it because it means escaping from all the things i cant fix here (like the kids stabbing each other and not realising what awesome individuals they are). But i get so pissed off with all these educated individuals who want to change the world, but try to do this by organising groups of like minded individuals to spend all their time with and reconfirm with each other over and over again how Capitalism doesn't work.
ARGH. We all know there are problems, but you cant just make up an alternative and go there, you cant avoid mixing with people who are difficult or disagree, you need to work within the failing system, dirty your hands, and get in elbow deep to alter the bits that don't work.
Sometimes i wish i were one of those people, like the white communities of 'artists' beautifully dressed with 'alternative' tattoos and hairstyles loving life and living in Peckham. If you surround yourself in nicety's that's all your going to see. But what about all those kids wandering past their front gates, the ones that cant afford a new school uniform, share a single bed with another teenage sibling and are destined to remain ignored and undiscovered? Do they look out of the window and feel bad that they spent so much on that extra special luminous, sparkly paint for the papermache clothes horse they made?
Well unlike Tx, i am self indulgent, and i choose to blame other people not my perfect self. Man, sometimes working with 'underprivileged' teenagers wrongly empowers you to think you can blame others. I spend so much money on crap, and help so few teenagers in Peckham. Maybe i should just give up, i could do with a new structure on which to hang my washing.
P.S On a lighter note the £20 is Juniors. He gave it to me (us girls?) to get a taxi home. Now that sounds like a sensible idea doesn't it!
ARGH. We all know there are problems, but you cant just make up an alternative and go there, you cant avoid mixing with people who are difficult or disagree, you need to work within the failing system, dirty your hands, and get in elbow deep to alter the bits that don't work.
Sometimes i wish i were one of those people, like the white communities of 'artists' beautifully dressed with 'alternative' tattoos and hairstyles loving life and living in Peckham. If you surround yourself in nicety's that's all your going to see. But what about all those kids wandering past their front gates, the ones that cant afford a new school uniform, share a single bed with another teenage sibling and are destined to remain ignored and undiscovered? Do they look out of the window and feel bad that they spent so much on that extra special luminous, sparkly paint for the papermache clothes horse they made?
Well unlike Tx, i am self indulgent, and i choose to blame other people not my perfect self. Man, sometimes working with 'underprivileged' teenagers wrongly empowers you to think you can blame others. I spend so much money on crap, and help so few teenagers in Peckham. Maybe i should just give up, i could do with a new structure on which to hang my washing.
P.S On a lighter note the £20 is Juniors. He gave it to me (us girls?) to get a taxi home. Now that sounds like a sensible idea doesn't it!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Vinopolis for money
Counselling session no 3: Better than the last, my therapist asks the greatest questions. Its those simple ones, that really get you thinking. Why do you want to change things? Often for me its because in films everyone seems to have these perfect lives, and i just cant get it though my educated, but obviously thick head, that THEY ARE NOT REAL. people don't have these wonderful relationships, life isn't full of one happy experience after another accompanied by an uplifting tune, shopping can never be fun, and you cant convince an FBI agent not to arrest you for multiple murders so that you can catch the ultimate wave in the 50 year storm.
I went out drinking with Rowl, Junior and the Lawwoman after work on Friday. I can tell it definitely didn't go well as i found a £20 note tucked halfway up Dave our tree like pot plant in our lounge 2 days later and had no idea how it got there? or who's it is?
I didn't intend to drink a lot, and always think that its important to be lucid enough to explain my faith to anyone, no matter when they ask. I'm not convinced that i managed to maintain that on Friday as i couldn't remember where i had left my bike, and had to get Junior to unlock it for me. All in all it was a great night. The highlight/lowlight was finding an open wine tasting session (you don't ask questions after a few pints- but now i want to know why on earth a wine tasting was on late on a Friday night, and why on earth they didn't ask us to leave!?)
So anyways after trying a lot of different wines, no spitting involved. Junior bought two bottles, but in order to ensure he got value for money, us women folk took it upon ourselves to drink as much as possible to make the purchase all the more worthwhile. We were rumbled when they came across us all with full to the bring glasses, delicately, gluging the wine. However after telling us that they didn't believe that a colleague of theirs had poured such volume of wine, and we apologised, promised in unison that we would not do it again, and pointed out our friend buying something, they left us to it. I'm not sure why we left there, i guess we got bored of wine.
In the end, i promised not to cycle home, and then did so as fast as possible. My flatmate always says, if you're gonna cycle drunk, might as well do it as fast as possible. In defence, i luckily didn't die, and i really needed a wee!
'Bodhi: If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love.' - i don't love drinking, or drunk cycling!Saturday, April 10, 2010
Counselling Sesion Number 2:
I'm now fairly certain that my counsellor is Andy Flanagan's mum, because there is a picture of her on his website (weird?) and she looks a little like her, so that's good enough for me. I'm loving the process of the sessions whereby my counsellor simply reflects back what i am saying and tries to pull my unconscious thoughts into my conscious. This will often lead to fascinating accurate facts about myself coming to light and really gives me a theory to go home and examine. Today's was- you are using Leo and your parents relationship to try and recreate and improve on the relationship which occurred between yourself and your parents when you were young. Wow. In other words, if i wanted a game gear with sonic the hedgehog on from my parents when i was 6, i have now made it my personal mission to get my parents to get Leo one. To be honest though, you need to replace 'game gear' with 'affection/attention/a loving relationship'.
The slightly bad part of my counselling session, as illustrated above, is that my unconscious guide (and possibly the rest of the world if they knew me well enough?) feels that 4 sessions is not much to deal with all the dusty and faded, Pandora's boxes i have cluttering my attic of a head. So now i have to decide how long i want to attend therapy for. I'm terrified I'm going to become a therapy lifer, and she'll be the one helping me pick out a retirement home!
On a positive note. I found this story on Grace in the South London Press very inspiring.
The slightly bad part of my counselling session, as illustrated above, is that my unconscious guide (and possibly the rest of the world if they knew me well enough?) feels that 4 sessions is not much to deal with all the dusty and faded, Pandora's boxes i have cluttering my attic of a head. So now i have to decide how long i want to attend therapy for. I'm terrified I'm going to become a therapy lifer, and she'll be the one helping me pick out a retirement home!
On a positive note. I found this story on Grace in the South London Press very inspiring.
Tuesday, April 06, 2010
Boxing Them In
Although i like to think I'm open minded individual,and don't believe in stereotypes; It was very interesting this evening to find out what the boxers talk about when drinking. I don't know why i think that boxers are beyond cool, always, as i realised tonight they are just normal people.
The two subjects predominantly covered in conversation at the pub tonight were:
1) Internet dating.
2) Crap TV.
I cant believe that these are normal topics. but both were well received and everyone, but me, felt able (AND WILLING) to make comments. It seems a real shame that good looking, fit and healthy, fun people cannot find partners in real life and have had to resort to the numerous Internet sites to sell themselves. What happened to the eye contact, the gut feelings, and good old body language. Its like we are doing away with the old fashioned flirting, which would get you comfortably past the awkward clashes of personality and interests until you find the common ground you do have. If you start off on the Internet choosing all that you have in common, surely all else there is to find out when you meet are the things you disagree about!?
And as for crap TV, i am not immune to this, i like my share, but i naively thought all people agreed that it is noble and good to try to cut down on TV watching, knowing that its as important as world peace, no? Taking up other activities and to be able to happily declare dismissively- 'oh, I'm too busy out having fun to watch TV' is vital. But no, IT IS OK TO WATCH TV!! yippee. However, i could not join in, as I'm currently too busy to watch TV apart from the quality Neighbours, Skins, The Inbetweeners, Scrubs, Project Runway, etc, etc, etc.
I returned home and realised that i cannot handle one beer after training, as i then experienced a WW3 style battle trying to 'cook' and eat my dinner. There follows a list of 'Things that it is not good to do once having a Sol after doing boxing circuits':
a) pick up boiling pans with your jumper pulled over your hand with the thought that this will be sufficient to protect it from the hot metal,
b) decide that everything is cooked very shortly after putting it on because you are bored and don't want to stand up anymore,
c) despite knowing that you are wearing a top, white enough to be on a Daz advert, continue to eat with a plate halfway down your front which obviously means that the top gets ruined.
The two subjects predominantly covered in conversation at the pub tonight were:
1) Internet dating.
2) Crap TV.
I cant believe that these are normal topics. but both were well received and everyone, but me, felt able (AND WILLING) to make comments. It seems a real shame that good looking, fit and healthy, fun people cannot find partners in real life and have had to resort to the numerous Internet sites to sell themselves. What happened to the eye contact, the gut feelings, and good old body language. Its like we are doing away with the old fashioned flirting, which would get you comfortably past the awkward clashes of personality and interests until you find the common ground you do have. If you start off on the Internet choosing all that you have in common, surely all else there is to find out when you meet are the things you disagree about!?
And as for crap TV, i am not immune to this, i like my share, but i naively thought all people agreed that it is noble and good to try to cut down on TV watching, knowing that its as important as world peace, no? Taking up other activities and to be able to happily declare dismissively- 'oh, I'm too busy out having fun to watch TV' is vital. But no, IT IS OK TO WATCH TV!! yippee. However, i could not join in, as I'm currently too busy to watch TV apart from the quality Neighbours, Skins, The Inbetweeners, Scrubs, Project Runway, etc, etc, etc.
I returned home and realised that i cannot handle one beer after training, as i then experienced a WW3 style battle trying to 'cook' and eat my dinner. There follows a list of 'Things that it is not good to do once having a Sol after doing boxing circuits':
a) pick up boiling pans with your jumper pulled over your hand with the thought that this will be sufficient to protect it from the hot metal,
b) decide that everything is cooked very shortly after putting it on because you are bored and don't want to stand up anymore,
c) despite knowing that you are wearing a top, white enough to be on a Daz advert, continue to eat with a plate halfway down your front which obviously means that the top gets ruined.
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