As i write this Starbucks talks happily from her cot, cute you might think, but it's not. The newest battle in the war on unpeace is that of the day time naps. When Starbucks was a baby she simply fell asleep when she was tired, nowdays it takes me an hour to get her to sleep, and then often i have to allow her to sleep on me for an hour, else she will wake up when i put her down and the hour of settling begins again. So my days seem to have turned into very short breaks in this when we play or i put the washing on. Three naps a day, that's 6 hours of my time, leaves me with two hours, providing all goes according to plan. Its beginning to be a lot like work, and im tired.
I might have written about this before but i believe God doesn't throw more at you than you can handle. This week i found out the latest 're-structuring' by work, means that my job will be wiped off the face of the earth in late November and i must reapply for two alternative posts i neither wanted nor liked. I actually feel like i am in mourning for this job, i loved work. I was the annoying person you met who sat there and said, 'ah yeah, i love going to work, not getting up in the morning, but once i am there i LOVE it. Pretty much everything about it.' the only thing i hated was office politics and not being respected by those higher up. Taking very naughty teenagers out to McDonald's and asking them to rethink their lives- love it. Telling parents they are being unreasonable and need to give their kid a break (despite previous misdemeanours) - love it. Attending meetings, writing reports, responding to emails, networking- love it all. Everyone i meet is interesting and has a complex story that i get to unravel and try to make straight.
But now i am looking at a future without this, and since it was pretty much an anchor for my life which has been turned upside down by my first child, a place where i could return to after this craziness has settled down and all would be normal again, where is my anchor in my life now?
On top of this, i have been trying to be very honest with my mother. I haven't written on here in a while due to all my thoughts and emotions being occupied with recent events (or non-events) in this relationship. So i sent an email, to be clear, that i did not agree with what was going on. To my absolute shock, my mum agreed, was honest and committed herself to making our relationship better. This was a curve ball to me, exciting to be moving forward, but hard to trust that 24 years of hurt can be acknowledged and us still come out civil.
So i was feeling pretty low, AND THEN.......
I fitted into my favourite jeans! Now this might seem like a minor point to many, and a ridiculous image obsessed, diet result. But the reality is, i have not fitted into my everyday clothes since mid pregnancy- and now almost a year on, I'm back in them. It's a massive step towards feeling myself again, to be able to begin to look like myself again. I've met so many people over this year, none of whom realise what i looked like pre-Starbucks, as myself. And now we are getting there. This brilliant good news countered the previous two thought busters and I'm walking around with a massive smile on my face. God knows how much you can handle, and when it gets near the limit, he'll throw you a rope.
