I've got Plank!

I won my first ever prize. Sure i passed my driving test (third time lucky) and got a medal in the 5k race for life.[- wouldnt it be great if this actually was a race for life! The loser loses their life! haha. I'd certainly have run faster. But in the great collective inclusive world that Breastcancer fundraising is, we all got medals- despite the fact that i proudly over took several other peoples girlfriends and relatives on my final sprint for the finish line with XSS chearing me on.] I am uber competative, if i am not the first one to finish my dinner, then i make sure that i win the prize for cleanest plate!

So anyways, i won the Jeremy Plank Award for Heart at Kickboxing today. It goes to someone different each month, so i dont get to keep it for ever, but here is my recording of it:

The Jeremy Plank award, i think i'm supposed to be the one on the right, but its not very accurate as my shorts dont look anything like that in real life.

I am dead proud. As proud as the kid who gets chosen to take home the class hamster for the holidays! I am not a good kickboxer, but at least i now know that my coach notices that i try.

P.S heres one of me showing off to my friends later that night.

LA Chic(K)

My manager (LA Chick) kicks ass. She phoned the counselling service for me, and told them that they need to offer me face to face counselling! Yippee. She even threatened to take them to our HR as they were 'discriminating against' me. Coolio. A fixed up, creative, relaxed, whistle in her step LE will be joining us soon, watch this space......

I Love Boxing Day

I am a kickboxer at heart. I'm not sure fighting is agreed with in the bible, but i certainly like to fight. Not to inflict pain, but to harness a skill and be able to be in complete control of a situation. It doesn't happen much in this world. Even if you get hit, your head is already thinking about where you might strike next. In your mind you never lose, just the timer stops you before you got a handle on that fight.

I go boxing near London Bridge and love it, and hate it.

It is so confusing, everything is very mixed up in gender issues, my social awkwardness and wanting to belong. Contact sport always makes gender difficult and although it is infantile, no man in my boxing class can approach me and ask to be my partner (even if there are no more men to pair up with) because it'll look like they fancy me, and for the same reason i cant cross the divide and ask any bloke either, they'll just look at the floor. Even though i am better than some of the guys so it would be a more logical pairing. So all that happens is i awkwardly approach the middle of the floor and stand there all alone until our coach, Q, identifies the unpaired man, and points out the obvious- this is your partner here.

One of the good things about my group is that from the word go we are expected to fit in, if your new you don't do less push-ups. However this also means that you never (or always) get to a stage where you feel like you've managed to get so far that you fit in.



Q, has issued us shirts and remarks on his blog that it has improved the standard of our class, and he feels people are putting more effort in now. But what he fails to notice is that perhaps this change is not related to us, but to his attitude towards us now he feels like we belong to his group.

Above is Lisa Brown, who has in my opinion an ideal body- how women should be, strong, able and natural. Its not about having perfect hair, but being estatic with yourself. Nothing sexier than sweaty people with scruffy hair who are having fun.

Right is another female boxer, i forget her name, who is estatic with herself but is not sexy as her hair isnt messed up and she is not sweating.

Its ugly isnt it?

Kitchen Issues:

No-one owned up, but i hope they felt bad.

Dear lovely colleagues,

There appears to have been an incident in our first floor kitchen:
On Tuesday 9th March at 13:02 I brought a very tasty (presumably) Ginsters Steak Slice and lovingly placed it on a shelf in the fridge, nearest the door. However, Imagine my horror when going to visit it today, it has GONE!

I therefore believe that someone, obviously accidentally, has eaten my steak slice. Don't worry about it, it was only my lunch. Eating is overrated. I hope you don't feel bad; it was a family airloom and of significant emotional value, in fact the only thing that i had left that reminded me of... well the co-op.
I hope you enjoyed it, as much as I would have done.
LE

P.S If anyone has seen 'people from the other end of the corridor' down our end with crumbs around their mouth please let me know. Or forward them this email. Thanks.

Mix tape to my mum.

I still stand by the axiom that there is no better way to effectively communicate your heart than through a mix tape. And no a CD or playlist wont cut it!

Famous Last Words- My Chemical Romance
So many bright lights, they cast a shadow but can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding I get so weak
A love that's so demanding I can't speak
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

Great Expectations - The Gaslight Anthem

I saw tail lights last night in a dream about my first wife.

Everybody leaves and I'd expect as much from you.

I saw tail lights last night in a dream about my old life.

Everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn't you?

Bad Before Good -Day One

You say it's hard now, but good things come from this,

So I'll keep on living on your promises,

Gotta get bad before it gets good,

You say stick with me, you know that you should,

'Cause its gotta get bad before it gets good,

I used to trust, before I knew,

There was a difference, between what you say and what you do.

Jump Rope - Blue October

I want to tell you that everything will be okay

That everything will eventually turn itself to gold

So keep pushing through it all don't follow, lead the way

Don't lose yourself or your hope, 'cause life's like a jump rope

You gotta hold your head up high and watch all the negative go by

Don't ever be ashamed to cry you go ahead, Cause life's like a jump rope

Does the world have to revolve around The Sun?

Has anyone seen 'The Sun's' headlines today. It is beyond stupid. Seriously. But the frustrating thing is that people will believe it. For those of you who do not have access to the quality publication that is the Sun, the headlines read, '100 social workers fail to stop tow sisters being raped by their dad for 25 years'.

Now I have read nothing on this story, and I have no interest in doing so. Social work bashing has got out of control. Indeed I think some may argue that there should be no 'controls' on democracy, but this assumes that a population has access to non-biased (or both sides of an argument) information. A sector of our society is being led by the nose to think stupid and ridiculous things.

And there is no way to fight back. I'd be more than willing to stand up on a stage or a debate programme and stand up for my profession, but no-one wants to see this stage (unless it involves me being publicly executed for the 'crimes' that my so called colleagues have committed).

Who killed Baby P?
The social workers and GP, not the actual hands of the people involved. Who failed all the children we see in the press- the social workers, not their useless selfish parents, or the violent vicious people who assaulted them.

How is newspapers headline going to help anyone? All it does is reduce collective responsibility and consciousness and allow the angry world to vent at someone other than themselves.
Who failed baby P? ok,. well some blame can lie with the social worker, but can we admit that the only person who clearly cares about any child is a paid professional- NO! The others who never helped him were his siblings, his aunts uncles, grandma's, family friends, neighbours, the woman at the bus stop, anyone else coming in and out of the house, and more crucially, his mother.

The scare mongering in the headline just goes beyond anything I can even laugh off today. 100 social workers- how that many - is every social worker in that borough being blamed? Social workers are PEOPLE not superslothes or SWAT team detectives, they cant magically know things that no-one is telling them, or there are no clues towards. Even if they had some inkling that this is happening, to be able to do anything about it a social worker must be able to stand up in court and provide enough evidence to a judge to prove that it is occurring. We have no power anymore and a judge will not rely on 'social work instinct' or a serious of clues......
Every borough has a serious problem with recruiting social workers at the moment, in my borough even at £2,000 retention bonus for a commitment of 1 years work is failing to keep anyone interested. I know of 9 social workers leaving currently.

I get so annoyed about this situations- can you tell?- that it makes me take all the more seriously the voice in my head that say leave Britain. However, this would be appeasing my emotional state, but who suffers in the long term from these scare mongering articles, the children. The little girl, sitting in a crappy house, with inadequate supervision, regularly told that she was never wanted, and never will be, and knocked around whenever someone is in a bad mood with her. She'll be raped before you know it, drop out of school, develop depression, and then start producing her own disempowered children- probably deciding not to engage with any social workers along the way as she 'knows what you lot are like'. Tell me Sun, how is this helping?

A True friend

True, I LOVE YOU!! Thanks for today. You empower me and encourage me to live my life in the best way i can. You are wonderful. Today was greater than 8 therapy sessions: i probably therefore owe you £400.

A true friend is the person who knows everything about you, and yet still likes you.

My Counsellor's bullying me!

I've tried to access counselling, which took me a long time. The most part of this was taken up with me trying to decide if i needed counselling and what i would say if someone asked me why i wanted it on a good day, when i was in a good mood and felt like i didn't need it.

However, the frequency of which i go from happy as a frog in a thunderstorm to angry enough to want to flying kick every door that ever lived, pushed me to do it. So i called the 'help' line. The lady was nice enough, and we went through the depression and anxiety questionnaires. She then told me that i qualified for four telephone counselling sessions. Everyone qualifies for these.

Despite telling the lady that i did not think that i wanted to do telephone sessions, she insisted i try it as a first step. So my counsellor called me, when i was walking along the southbank one night going to dinner. We discussed when he could call me for my first session, and i again explained that i did not feel comfortable with this. He again, didn't really seem to listen, and i agreed he could call me next Wednesday. Ah-ha. I am not even assertive enough to tell my counsellor, the man i am hoping can help and empower me, that i did not want to do this. Damn.

So, he then called me again another day to rearrange as he had a different open time slot, on a day i had already told him i cannot do. Illustrating that the only thing we had already talked about, he did not listen to. So that was it and i just said no, this is not meeting my needs. I think he was busy as he just accepted it this time.

To conclude it all, they then sent me a feedback form on the service, a prepaid postcard. Great, confidential counselling feedback on a postcard. hahaha. So all in all the counselling has disempowered me, illustrated how weak i am, and put me off asking for help. EVER AGAIN.

How come i work in a job where emotions are important, relationships are crucial and i do direct face-to-face work with individuals because it is generally recognised by..... the world...... that body language, non-verbal communication, and feeling valued and respected are key aspects in communicating with people.

Luckily, i have lots of great friends, and a faith in a God who has confidence in me, so I'll be fine. I have to be. There's no time in life for breakdowns!

P.S Sent a text to True to apologise for not calling and letting her know that i still care but feel overwhelmed. Despite having a life, AND a baby, she called me immediately. She is so lovely. Seriously, i want to be her. How can someone always be so calm and reliable, yet fun and joyful?