Cookie contemplating which candle to eat first
Sunday, September 18, 2016
Cookie is TWOOOOOOO
For over a month now Cookie has been stuck on repeat. Every 30 seconds or so she says, 'I two' and holds up a crumbled handful of fingers to signify her passing years, she'd follow it up with 'Mummy make cake, rainbow cake'. She ate none of the stupid rainbow cake (have you every tried to get hundreds and thousands on the sides of a cake at 10:30 at night?)! Im not cross though because she has also stopped saying it.
We had a little birthday party with 6 of her 'friends' and played pass the parcel and pin the nose on the hedgehog. She was well happy with blowing the candles out on the cake.
Saturday, September 10, 2016
Denying Jo
Last week on my lunch break i saw a familiar face, not one easy to place, but nonetheless comfortable. Thankfully he felt the same and as we passed each other we slowed our pace, committed to unhesitantly staring at each other and as we passed i commited to stop and just stare. Luckily i got his name that same second. Michael!
As we shock hands he labelled me, as if reafirming me to himself, 'your princess' friend'. Yeah. well yeah, but i actually knew him through Lovely, a colleagueal St. Mungo's hostel worker. But i didnt say this. And now im wondering why.
Was it because it was easier to fit in with his labelling system than to bring up suicide? Was it because it was irrelivant because he's an aquaintance and i'll never see him again, or was it because i was embaressed that he might have felt i was Princess's friend and not Lovely's because i didnt attend her funneral or make any public appearances at her death events. Did i feel the need to defend myself, to put in my excuses as to why i was unwilling to make my grief public, or my 1 week old baby. Was it because in explaining why i wasnt at the funneral i would have been unable to stop myself from making it explicit to myself, more than him, that one of my best friends killed herself a few days before my daughter was due to arrive on the planet, and the embaressement and shame i feel that she didnt want to meet her.
I've never said that in those words before.
I feel ashamed that i denied Lovely, that i didnt harshly decreee that she was my friend. My good friend, my wonderful, funny, full-of-thought friend, who liked Kinkie and Blondie, danced around handbags and cooked terrible vegetarian food.
I wish i had of done. Later on i wondered what his view of her suicide was. Did he think her ill? out of her mind? or more lucid than she had been in years.I'd like to try and find him again to ask, but he works in a hostel for homeless women so the advertising of the address will be negative.
In someways i feel bad for harping on, on here about this same subject again. But then i realise that i havent actually harped on about it enough, and until i am unembaressed, not angry and less confused it's going to be hard to progress.
P.S i've finshed my dissertaion so now i am free to open a computer guilt free! oooo lucky you! more suicide moanings!
As we shock hands he labelled me, as if reafirming me to himself, 'your princess' friend'. Yeah. well yeah, but i actually knew him through Lovely, a colleagueal St. Mungo's hostel worker. But i didnt say this. And now im wondering why.
Was it because it was easier to fit in with his labelling system than to bring up suicide? Was it because it was irrelivant because he's an aquaintance and i'll never see him again, or was it because i was embaressed that he might have felt i was Princess's friend and not Lovely's because i didnt attend her funneral or make any public appearances at her death events. Did i feel the need to defend myself, to put in my excuses as to why i was unwilling to make my grief public, or my 1 week old baby. Was it because in explaining why i wasnt at the funneral i would have been unable to stop myself from making it explicit to myself, more than him, that one of my best friends killed herself a few days before my daughter was due to arrive on the planet, and the embaressement and shame i feel that she didnt want to meet her.
I've never said that in those words before.
I feel ashamed that i denied Lovely, that i didnt harshly decreee that she was my friend. My good friend, my wonderful, funny, full-of-thought friend, who liked Kinkie and Blondie, danced around handbags and cooked terrible vegetarian food.
I wish i had of done. Later on i wondered what his view of her suicide was. Did he think her ill? out of her mind? or more lucid than she had been in years.I'd like to try and find him again to ask, but he works in a hostel for homeless women so the advertising of the address will be negative.
In someways i feel bad for harping on, on here about this same subject again. But then i realise that i havent actually harped on about it enough, and until i am unembaressed, not angry and less confused it's going to be hard to progress.
P.S i've finshed my dissertaion so now i am free to open a computer guilt free! oooo lucky you! more suicide moanings!
Friday, September 09, 2016
Missing me
hi. So it turns out that i am not rubbish at blogging because i was studying for a degree, i am actually just rubbish at sitting down to blog. Which is odd as i really enjoy it.
I've been not doing anything, which feels terrible. I've been oppressively tired since finishing my course and so most evenings i lay down on the sofa after i've got the kids to bed, watch TV and then get up and go to bed. I normally like to feel like im moving forward in the world/my life, which i dont think i am, unless my heightened awareness of the Nashville plot line will stand me in good sted for something in the future.
I continue to struggle to run my day to day life. Here is a list of things which make me feel like i have not coped well with this week:
1) twice when i stopped by our local shop for a few things i had to buy a 5p carrier bag because i didnt have a bag on me.
2) i've been in the local shop about twice a day for the last 7 days
3) We had pizza and wedges for lunch on Saturday and Kebab and chips from the takeaway for tea
4) I've opened a box of chocolate i bought for a bereaved mate and eaten half of them before i managed to get the computer out to blog
5) Cookie spent the day with toothpaste all over her sleeves where she 'washed her hands' with it this morning, leading to a complete change of clothes for Starbucks the bystander also - just as we were supposed to be going out the house
6) Still not spoken to Xss about the fact i signed up to work for a homeless shelter on new years eve and does he mind? We do live together but it feels silly to clog up the time we have with a list of borning questions about life.
7) cooked an inedible meal, which i served anyway. Starbucks said it was nice and asked for more. The rest went in the bin.
8) Have failed to buy a new coat, which i vow to do each year. The one i have smells like Body Odor and im not sure if i even care anymore; i dont think i need any new friends. Not when i am wearing a warm coat anyways.
Sucessess':
1) my whole family is still breathing
2) Starbucks is going to sing a song in the school talent show. It is by no means a talent but i am so chuffed that she is confident enough to stand up infront of her school and sing alone, badly. haha.
3) I have enjoyed some chocolate and its tasted NICE
4) Cookie had a two hour nap yesterday and today, whilst i might not have been able to sit down during them both, it was blissful to have some time off and not try to decifer what she is saying all the time. Today as we entered a local nursery to leave a message for Lumi she was saying 'ice lolly' over and over again. It took Starbucks pointing this out to me, for me to realise that i did understand but didnt get why this setting, on a cold day, had induced her to say it.
5) Starbucks took in two items from home for the 'sound shelf' this week one for 'K' and one for 'C'.
Ok so the nay's outweigh the yay's but some weeks/years are like that. Stuff it, we are all still breathing and God loves us. Have a good week.
I've been not doing anything, which feels terrible. I've been oppressively tired since finishing my course and so most evenings i lay down on the sofa after i've got the kids to bed, watch TV and then get up and go to bed. I normally like to feel like im moving forward in the world/my life, which i dont think i am, unless my heightened awareness of the Nashville plot line will stand me in good sted for something in the future.
I continue to struggle to run my day to day life. Here is a list of things which make me feel like i have not coped well with this week:
1) twice when i stopped by our local shop for a few things i had to buy a 5p carrier bag because i didnt have a bag on me.
2) i've been in the local shop about twice a day for the last 7 days
3) We had pizza and wedges for lunch on Saturday and Kebab and chips from the takeaway for tea
4) I've opened a box of chocolate i bought for a bereaved mate and eaten half of them before i managed to get the computer out to blog
5) Cookie spent the day with toothpaste all over her sleeves where she 'washed her hands' with it this morning, leading to a complete change of clothes for Starbucks the bystander also - just as we were supposed to be going out the house
6) Still not spoken to Xss about the fact i signed up to work for a homeless shelter on new years eve and does he mind? We do live together but it feels silly to clog up the time we have with a list of borning questions about life.
7) cooked an inedible meal, which i served anyway. Starbucks said it was nice and asked for more. The rest went in the bin.
8) Have failed to buy a new coat, which i vow to do each year. The one i have smells like Body Odor and im not sure if i even care anymore; i dont think i need any new friends. Not when i am wearing a warm coat anyways.
Sucessess':
1) my whole family is still breathing
2) Starbucks is going to sing a song in the school talent show. It is by no means a talent but i am so chuffed that she is confident enough to stand up infront of her school and sing alone, badly. haha.
3) I have enjoyed some chocolate and its tasted NICE
4) Cookie had a two hour nap yesterday and today, whilst i might not have been able to sit down during them both, it was blissful to have some time off and not try to decifer what she is saying all the time. Today as we entered a local nursery to leave a message for Lumi she was saying 'ice lolly' over and over again. It took Starbucks pointing this out to me, for me to realise that i did understand but didnt get why this setting, on a cold day, had induced her to say it.
5) Starbucks took in two items from home for the 'sound shelf' this week one for 'K' and one for 'C'.
Ok so the nay's outweigh the yay's but some weeks/years are like that. Stuff it, we are all still breathing and God loves us. Have a good week.
Occupying a place in society
School.
This is a negative word in our house at the moment.
Starbucks has started school. I am not happy.
By starting school the whole equilibrium in our family has been altered. Starbucks has been given a status we have never allowed her to have, citizen. Up until this moment she has been supressed by us to a role within our family only.
This newly aquired status means:
1) It is her (school terms) that decide when the whole family can go on holiday
2) how long Cookie can nap for - everyday at 3pm we will be at the school collecting her sister whether she has had her 2 hours or not
3) Whether Cookie gets to play with her toys first thing or not, she'll be hurried out into the rain or snow to take her sister
4) how long we can explore and play for each day. It'll terminate immediately when the alarm for school pick up goes
She also gets to get supressed in her new role
-matching uniforms with the other kids, sure i get group identitiies, anti-bullying stances etc, but now its MY kid, and she's FOUR years old, im quesioning why she cant remain an individual for longer? Why cant she have a different colour hairband which we already have in our house and she's worn always. What are the social norms which made up what are 'school shoes' and what are 'black trainers'? Why does every know that school shoes might rub your feet, be uncomfortbale and need breaking in but then chose to inflict them upon every single child in our nation in the formative years of growing feet. As soon as these shoes verge on comfortable they are deemed not school shoes by definition. SHE'S FOUR.
- no personalised learning. They all learn the same. She can already write all her letters and cut things out (hey thats a skill that still features on my CV!) but if thats what they are all learning, she'll do it too.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?!
I do realise that if we look specifically at Starbucks, she is going to love school, she's going to gain from the education and she's going to establish herself as teacher's pet and swell her self esteem. But all this can wait until she's 6 too.
Mostly my selfish side comes out. I like her company, i like playing with her on my days off, i like chilling with her, and i like the freedom to explore London with her all day if i want. I dont want to lose her for the next 14 years to indoctrination of her into society.....
This is a negative word in our house at the moment.
Starbucks has started school. I am not happy.
By starting school the whole equilibrium in our family has been altered. Starbucks has been given a status we have never allowed her to have, citizen. Up until this moment she has been supressed by us to a role within our family only.
This newly aquired status means:
1) It is her (school terms) that decide when the whole family can go on holiday
2) how long Cookie can nap for - everyday at 3pm we will be at the school collecting her sister whether she has had her 2 hours or not
3) Whether Cookie gets to play with her toys first thing or not, she'll be hurried out into the rain or snow to take her sister
4) how long we can explore and play for each day. It'll terminate immediately when the alarm for school pick up goes
She also gets to get supressed in her new role
-matching uniforms with the other kids, sure i get group identitiies, anti-bullying stances etc, but now its MY kid, and she's FOUR years old, im quesioning why she cant remain an individual for longer? Why cant she have a different colour hairband which we already have in our house and she's worn always. What are the social norms which made up what are 'school shoes' and what are 'black trainers'? Why does every know that school shoes might rub your feet, be uncomfortbale and need breaking in but then chose to inflict them upon every single child in our nation in the formative years of growing feet. As soon as these shoes verge on comfortable they are deemed not school shoes by definition. SHE'S FOUR.
- no personalised learning. They all learn the same. She can already write all her letters and cut things out (hey thats a skill that still features on my CV!) but if thats what they are all learning, she'll do it too.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!?!
Do these boots look uncomfortable enough?
Can she take her favourite statue with her?
I do realise that if we look specifically at Starbucks, she is going to love school, she's going to gain from the education and she's going to establish herself as teacher's pet and swell her self esteem. But all this can wait until she's 6 too.
Mostly my selfish side comes out. I like her company, i like playing with her on my days off, i like chilling with her, and i like the freedom to explore London with her all day if i want. I dont want to lose her for the next 14 years to indoctrination of her into society.....
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