Those round number birthdays

My 30th birthday is coming up. A couple of years ago i set myself some goals to achieve before i turned 30 and my life ended. I've already hit so many big ones that its the odd experience i named. I thought i'd share them with you, otherwise i'll just have to write another gushing post about how great my baby is (there is something marginally better in life than the first time you see your baby smile- when she begins cooing in earnest and with a serious focus on your face. She is amazing, it is almost overwhelming her sincere desire to tell you something and be listened to. i cant describe it. i fall more in love with her everyday). are you spewing yet??)

Things to do before i am 30:

1) Have a party - Sort of done. I arranged leaving drinks in a pub before we went travelling and most people came- this was a real challenge as i like to have strong 1:1 relationships with lots of people, not a group of friends that all know each other) See below also.2) Dress up as a pirate or something In progress (i'm gonna have a pirate themed 30th murder mystery party)3) Spend £130 on one person In progress- any suggestions welcome (i wanted someone to feel luxurious and spoilt)4) Teach Leo a rock song (think Aerosmith) To Do. Well Leo has been in Africa all of the time so i havent seen him once. To do still.5) Sleep overnight in a hammock - To Do- despite living on a farm on warm Brazil with hammocks for three months. Can hardly sleep in a hammock with Starbucks now days.6) Go camping with my dad- To Do. Very little time i have not been travelling or pregnant since i wrote this list. 7) Read 'Development As Freedom'; or admit I never will - i admit i never will. Done Development is not freedom, i dont need to read a book to decide this. end of discussion.8) Make a piece of art work good enough to put up in my house - Done. several of my photos are made into large canvas' and up around the house9) Watch 'The Notebook' with Lovely, Princess and Honestly- Done. Lovely film. 10) Conceive a baby and give it a silly name - BIG FAT DONE. And she is here! Name is also a little silly.

Who knows what the next decade might bring. Perhaps I should write a new list for things to do in my 30's. I imagine it will be a lot more sedate than things done in my 20's :(

When i used to be sane

Before i had a baby i was adamant that i would raise my baby lovingly, but that i would also remain true to me, LE, and sane, none of this baby babble and being obsessed with this little bundle that does nothing but drain your energy. Someone with a degree of detachment, someone who can see the world for what it really is. But it pains me to admit, I've changed. I am obsessed with the baby. All i do is for Starbucks.

And interestingly it isn't because i am obsessed with her and think she is the most important person in the world, or have forgotten about the world outside our bubble. I know the real world, but what i under estimated when i was sane was the amount of time and effort you have to dedicate to raising the womb grub which has come out. I spend 24 hours a day (almost literally at times) feeding her, cleaning her, helping her get to sleep, washing things for her. If i did not accept this as my life's task at the moment, i would be ridiculously unfulfilled and depressed. As a new mum you must give in to the fact that you currently exist purely to grow this other human being. It is not a negative thing, but just so different from 'normal life'. It is hard to explain how odd it is to get some time off without Starbucks and to not really have 'anything to do' despite missing a whole busy lifestyle of things that used to be so fun and fulfilling. To decide what to do when not with Starbucks is a real challenge, as i can do things for myself (i went for a pedicure and then coffee with Honestly when MIL took her this morning), but they are really second class things to do. My primary aim in life if to grow Starbucks to independence, i have to, she is dependent on me to do this. There is no choice, so rising to the challenge you try and do it the best you can, becoming obsessed with developing her.

It's odd to have changed so much. In some ways i look forward to returning to work to be distracted from this task, but still its all about investing in this lovely baby that has no personality or defining characteristics yet. I feel like i am now an adult, (i vowed to take out my tongue piercing when this happened!) I now understand what it is to be a parent, investing all this time and effort into helping another human being in the hope that they succeed at life, only to have very little control over the most important aspects of this (their thoughts, emotions and decisions) and to be uncertain what success looks like. But that's my new life goal. Wow. Am i insane?

Can i really grow this to full size? I wasnt much good with the Bonsai tree i tried first.

Breasts are best, for sexiness, but what about for feeding another human being?

There are many myths and lies that surround pregnancy and motherhood. Its logical that growing a baby inside your own body is not going to be a comfortable or particularly pleasant experience so i never pined for the 'glowing' and wandering around rubbing my belly and talking to it. But i didn't realise the lies extended into early motherhood.

My newest 'beef' is breastfeeding. I think most people will agree that breast milk is best for babies, a human making milk for a little human makes sense and seems like it would be tailored better to our own breeds needs, better than cows milk for instance. However, i didn't realise that people lied about how pleasant the experience of actually getting the milk into the baby is. Breastfeeding sucks, and I'm not afraid to say, 'I hate breastfeeding'. i do. i hate it. It hurts like crazy, after a period in hospital when people kept saying i had a high pain threshold, how can this process be soo unbearable.

If it hadn't hurt so much i would have written on here about the heartfelt social awkwardness felt when a cute little human being wants to suck on your nipples: That's an uncomfortable sentence isn't it, breasts are to be put on display to make you look sexy, to be placed on the bar to get served quicker, to be paraded in little bikini's to emphasise the undulating curves of a woman's body- and now you want me to suckle something on them and in the process remove all these pre-existing functions. arhghghg.

I'm an adult, and Starbucks needs me, (and it all was initiated after a long birth when a midwife i had never seen before suddenly manhandled me into my babies mouth for 10 minutes of unpleasantries when i would have done anything anyone in a uniform told me to), so i can get over this and know that feeding her is..... essential..... and i do believe it is best. However, it really hurts.

I asked specifically at NCT classes if it hurt, and they perpetuated the lie, 'No'. It does. It hurts like glass is being sucked down your veins, like someone is sawing your nipple off with the edge of a fern. Sometimes people say I'm not doing it right, but no one can tell me what to change. So the next 'go to' answer is, 'ah well, it'll all settle down after a few months'. A few months, the baby can only go a few hours before she is crying again and the only thing to satiate her is my sore and throbbing nipple. Its enough to make you resent the little one a bit, to decipher her cries as anything other than hunger, and to some nights sob out loud while passing the floor in the dark trying to sooth the baby to sleep.

Everyone I've asked has agreed that they found it very painful at first, and each has their own story of skin hanging off nipples, raw wounds and insurmountable aversion. But they have all bizarrely persevered and are now earth mothers themselves.

I'll keep going taking a day at a time (although it all seems marginally better when the day light kicks in), trying to grow the human as best i can, but it seems impossible that she will be exclusively breastfed for six months as the books recommend. The only compliment is there appears to be no better feeling than a successful breastfeed when the baby chooses to stop drinking, leans back with a drunken milk expression and is 100% content. This doesn't happen often, but when it does, its as good as conquering the world!