When i used to be sane

Before i had a baby i was adamant that i would raise my baby lovingly, but that i would also remain true to me, LE, and sane, none of this baby babble and being obsessed with this little bundle that does nothing but drain your energy. Someone with a degree of detachment, someone who can see the world for what it really is. But it pains me to admit, I've changed. I am obsessed with the baby. All i do is for Starbucks.

And interestingly it isn't because i am obsessed with her and think she is the most important person in the world, or have forgotten about the world outside our bubble. I know the real world, but what i under estimated when i was sane was the amount of time and effort you have to dedicate to raising the womb grub which has come out. I spend 24 hours a day (almost literally at times) feeding her, cleaning her, helping her get to sleep, washing things for her. If i did not accept this as my life's task at the moment, i would be ridiculously unfulfilled and depressed. As a new mum you must give in to the fact that you currently exist purely to grow this other human being. It is not a negative thing, but just so different from 'normal life'. It is hard to explain how odd it is to get some time off without Starbucks and to not really have 'anything to do' despite missing a whole busy lifestyle of things that used to be so fun and fulfilling. To decide what to do when not with Starbucks is a real challenge, as i can do things for myself (i went for a pedicure and then coffee with Honestly when MIL took her this morning), but they are really second class things to do. My primary aim in life if to grow Starbucks to independence, i have to, she is dependent on me to do this. There is no choice, so rising to the challenge you try and do it the best you can, becoming obsessed with developing her.

It's odd to have changed so much. In some ways i look forward to returning to work to be distracted from this task, but still its all about investing in this lovely baby that has no personality or defining characteristics yet. I feel like i am now an adult, (i vowed to take out my tongue piercing when this happened!) I now understand what it is to be a parent, investing all this time and effort into helping another human being in the hope that they succeed at life, only to have very little control over the most important aspects of this (their thoughts, emotions and decisions) and to be uncertain what success looks like. But that's my new life goal. Wow. Am i insane?

Can i really grow this to full size? I wasnt much good with the Bonsai tree i tried first.