i miss me

I have been eroded little by little. i am beginning to feel that i am no longer me. i am counting down the days when i can leave the house with no children making me stoop. well, actually its more the small baby being sick over me which makes me feel most separated from the rest of the human race (which has 'odd' social rules, like don't wear clothes which have other peoples bodily fluids on).

Its been a gradual transition over the last almost three years (since Starbucks burst into the world): Along with the arrival of a baby comes a whole new social order and the following assault on everything that you thought was acceptable makes you an undeniably different person forever more.

Starbucks is potty training, which involves her delighting in getting her potty, striping and peeing infront of anyone brave enough to visit. This is my world. I don't want to be negative about this as i am proud she is growing up and taking the necessary steps to develop into a fully fledged child. But i don't appreciate the things it brings with it for me. I am the person who wipes human poo of various surfaces, i have leaked milk over numerous t-shirts and barely held a whole conversation since she was born. (this last one is most frustrating when later at night i reflect on the day and realise all the unanswered questions raised and cant remember the outcome of the conversation due to it not actually reaching a conclusion, before i am interupted and then forgetfully start a new topic).

I sometime pine for my old self, one who had autonomy over her life, didn't even realise some of the more complex functions that my body could perform and most importantly, had the opportunity to be lazy! Oh to get out of bed whenever i liked, or to eat whatever i wanted without having to set a good example, whenever i wanted, without someone crying and talking to me continuously in the period between their perceived meal time and the time i got around to eating. Oh to be me.

but then i wouldn't have this:

Its a mini geek conga line!

......not by a jumbo jet.

I got my head shaved. i think its a mid life crisis (i am therefore also destined to die young). I have found it really tough being a mum of two. With two kids, the moments when i am fully dressed and look like a normal presentable human female has decreased to 0%. i always have dribble on my sleeve, or snot on my shoulder, or am wiping something with my cuff. I often have sick drip down my jeans, my hair an unkempt grown out cut, and the days i go out without deodorant and face cream on are innumerable.

So i got my haircut. And i got it shaved at the side like i secretly wanted for years. As the trendy 19 year old, cutting my hair for free for practice, said, 'perhaps your'll bring the fashion (for a shaved side) back'. So i am well and truely reminded that this is not actually a cool haircut. But i like it, it is fun and easy and not the sort of thing a mum of two would have. score.

I wonder how long this rebellion against my real obligations will last. Its still all too adult for me.

i'll upload a picture soon.