Well, i spent Christmas with Xss, my nephew Leo, and Xss's family. It was a really nice time, but it was very nice to be able to give the child back to his father. Sometimes i wonder if i keep seeing him long enough, if i will never have kids, as he'll keep popping up as a constant reminder about the lack of liberty and sleep you get once you enter parenthood.
Leo has recently become much more articulate and is going through the 'why' stage. I see this as a fun sort of game- a bit like a quiz show- how many 'why?s' can you answer before you have to abandon the conversation. Rules also include not saying 'i don't know' and always answering in terms he would understand. I imagine the way to deal with this behaviour is probably the reverse. I best one was trying to explain 'luck' to him.
Following on from this we had a great conversation about some smiley face pictures i had on the wall. We had to talk about why the sad face was sad, the angry, angry etc. It was brilliant! Its like they couldn't exist without feeling something. No object is inanimate.
He returned home yesterday, i was relieved to have my space back, and not be talking about all these things, but give me 2 days and I'll miss him dearly again and want to see him, hug him, smell his hair and answer those darn, stupid questions.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
He's dead.
Cowgirls dad died.
I went into overload and wrote her a brilliant letter advising her of my wisdom on grief, and the best plan of action to cope. Luckily for her i started crying towards the end (thank God) and in what i consider a brilliant quirk of brain ordering, screwed it up and wrote a list of what i really wanted to say but couldn't:
I asked Xss the other day as we walked past the house where he and little Rich used to live* in Norwich, if he felt dead people somewhat remained in the places they used to live. He felt this was silly, and i guess rationally so do I. But i guess what i do want to believe is that somewhere in this world there is a special place that is anchored to the person who has died, because otherwise all is lost. The memories are starting to go, certainly the smells, their belongings, and the places the memories belong to are changing and the photos have a different hue. I'd like there to be one place where i know i could always find a closeness with my sister, but i guess it doesn't exist.
Some people would use the grave for this purpose, but that doesn't make sense to me. When we buried Rachael's ashes, the undertaker kept calling this random small wooden box 'Rachael' and i had to restrain myself from reminding him that actually i knew that the plain little box he held in his hands was certainly not my sister.
At the moment, i really feel like i have lost her.
LOST: No longer possessed or retained; no longer to be found; having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction; not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted: being something that someone has failed to win; ending in or attended with defeat; destroyed or ruined;
* Rich committed suicide in 2005 following a spell of mental illness.
I went into overload and wrote her a brilliant letter advising her of my wisdom on grief, and the best plan of action to cope. Luckily for her i started crying towards the end (thank God) and in what i consider a brilliant quirk of brain ordering, screwed it up and wrote a list of what i really wanted to say but couldn't:
I asked Xss the other day as we walked past the house where he and little Rich used to live* in Norwich, if he felt dead people somewhat remained in the places they used to live. He felt this was silly, and i guess rationally so do I. But i guess what i do want to believe is that somewhere in this world there is a special place that is anchored to the person who has died, because otherwise all is lost. The memories are starting to go, certainly the smells, their belongings, and the places the memories belong to are changing and the photos have a different hue. I'd like there to be one place where i know i could always find a closeness with my sister, but i guess it doesn't exist.
Some people would use the grave for this purpose, but that doesn't make sense to me. When we buried Rachael's ashes, the undertaker kept calling this random small wooden box 'Rachael' and i had to restrain myself from reminding him that actually i knew that the plain little box he held in his hands was certainly not my sister.
At the moment, i really feel like i have lost her.
LOST: No longer possessed or retained; no longer to be found; having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction; not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted: being something that someone has failed to win; ending in or attended with defeat; destroyed or ruined;
* Rich committed suicide in 2005 following a spell of mental illness.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Latest Moan
Eu sou uma peru. My Portuguese is not coming along at all!! I have finished a whole term of it and i still feel like i cant say anything! It doesn't help that class is on a Monday night 7.30-9.30 by which stage i am fighting to stay awake, and the only thing that interests me on top of that is making sure that the teacher moves on to interrogate the next student as soon as possible, without me making too much of a fool of myself.
We are also struggling to locate a second project to work on in SE Asia, and want to book our flights soon...... the pressure is on! Hopefully by the new year it will all be booked and we will be definitely be going. I'll post the itinerary soon.
I haven't written on her for a while as work is so stressful. People are leaving each week, and we have only a handful of new starters to combat this, coupled with an increased number of referrals! I do feel so sorry for the Americans that have come over though (lots form Miami) as social work is so culturally different and where as before they might have stood a chance of removing kids from risky situations before they have suffered harm, here the standard has pretty much got to the stage where several, very bad things, have had to have actually happened (and been proved by the police investigation), before we can even approach the courts.
Well, at least we are trying to make a difference. Social services are always seen as the bad guys, and it makes me frustrated that charities like 'Kids Company' are praised, people raise money for them and they can give out money and Christmas presents galor, are held in high esteem for working with such difficult young people, but Social Services are legal bound NOT to do most of these things (no handouts), work with the same kids (and their families) and are constantly slated in the press. Roll on a positive press campaign from Britain soon!
P.S Tx comes home next Friday from Uganda for a break- SOOOO excited.
We are also struggling to locate a second project to work on in SE Asia, and want to book our flights soon...... the pressure is on! Hopefully by the new year it will all be booked and we will be definitely be going. I'll post the itinerary soon.
I haven't written on her for a while as work is so stressful. People are leaving each week, and we have only a handful of new starters to combat this, coupled with an increased number of referrals! I do feel so sorry for the Americans that have come over though (lots form Miami) as social work is so culturally different and where as before they might have stood a chance of removing kids from risky situations before they have suffered harm, here the standard has pretty much got to the stage where several, very bad things, have had to have actually happened (and been proved by the police investigation), before we can even approach the courts.
Well, at least we are trying to make a difference. Social services are always seen as the bad guys, and it makes me frustrated that charities like 'Kids Company' are praised, people raise money for them and they can give out money and Christmas presents galor, are held in high esteem for working with such difficult young people, but Social Services are legal bound NOT to do most of these things (no handouts), work with the same kids (and their families) and are constantly slated in the press. Roll on a positive press campaign from Britain soon!
P.S Tx comes home next Friday from Uganda for a break- SOOOO excited.
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