I survived the four year old- Yippee!

Well, i spent Christmas with Xss, my nephew Leo, and Xss's family. It was a really nice time, but it was very nice to be able to give the child back to his father. Sometimes i wonder if i keep seeing him long enough, if i will never have kids, as he'll keep popping up as a constant reminder about the lack of liberty and sleep you get once you enter parenthood.

Leo has recently become much more articulate and is going through the 'why' stage. I see this as a fun sort of game- a bit like a quiz show- how many 'why?s' can you answer before you have to abandon the conversation. Rules also include not saying 'i don't know' and always answering in terms he would understand. I imagine the way to deal with this behaviour is probably the reverse. I best one was trying to explain 'luck' to him.

Following on from this we had a great conversation about some smiley face pictures i had on the wall. We had to talk about why the sad face was sad, the angry, angry etc. It was brilliant! Its like they couldn't exist without feeling something. No object is inanimate.

He returned home yesterday, i was relieved to have my space back, and not be talking about all these things, but give me 2 days and I'll miss him dearly again and want to see him, hug him, smell his hair and answer those darn, stupid questions.

He's dead.

Cowgirls dad died.

I went into overload and wrote her a brilliant letter advising her of my wisdom on grief, and the best plan of action to cope. Luckily for her i started crying towards the end (thank God) and in what i consider a brilliant quirk of brain ordering, screwed it up and wrote a list of what i really wanted to say but couldn't:

I asked Xss the other day as we walked past the house where he and little Rich used to live* in Norwich, if he felt dead people somewhat remained in the places they used to live. He felt this was silly, and i guess rationally so do I. But i guess what i do want to believe is that somewhere in this world there is a special place that is anchored to the person who has died, because otherwise all is lost. The memories are starting to go, certainly the smells, their belongings, and the places the memories belong to are changing and the photos have a different hue. I'd like there to be one place where i know i could always find a closeness with my sister, but i guess it doesn't exist.

Some people would use the grave for this purpose, but that doesn't make sense to me. When we buried Rachael's ashes, the undertaker kept calling this random small wooden box 'Rachael' and i had to restrain myself from reminding him that actually i knew that the plain little box he held in his hands was certainly not my sister.

At the moment, i really feel like i have lost her.

LOST: No longer possessed or retained; no longer to be found; having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction; not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted: being something that someone has failed to win; ending in or attended with defeat; destroyed or ruined;

* Rich committed suicide in 2005 following a spell of mental illness.

Latest Moan

Eu sou uma peru. My Portuguese is not coming along at all!! I have finished a whole term of it and i still feel like i cant say anything! It doesn't help that class is on a Monday night 7.30-9.30 by which stage i am fighting to stay awake, and the only thing that interests me on top of that is making sure that the teacher moves on to interrogate the next student as soon as possible, without me making too much of a fool of myself.

We are also struggling to locate a second project to work on in SE Asia, and want to book our flights soon...... the pressure is on! Hopefully by the new year it will all be booked and we will be definitely be going. I'll post the itinerary soon.

I haven't written on her for a while as work is so stressful. People are leaving each week, and we have only a handful of new starters to combat this, coupled with an increased number of referrals! I do feel so sorry for the Americans that have come over though (lots form Miami) as social work is so culturally different and where as before they might have stood a chance of removing kids from risky situations before they have suffered harm, here the standard has pretty much got to the stage where several, very bad things, have had to have actually happened (and been proved by the police investigation), before we can even approach the courts.

Well, at least we are trying to make a difference. Social services are always seen as the bad guys, and it makes me frustrated that charities like 'Kids Company' are praised, people raise money for them and they can give out money and Christmas presents galor, are held in high esteem for working with such difficult young people, but Social Services are legal bound NOT to do most of these things (no handouts), work with the same kids (and their families) and are constantly slated in the press. Roll on a positive press campaign from Britain soon!

P.S Tx comes home next Friday from Uganda for a break- SOOOO excited.

My dream job is.......

I went out for lunch with Rowl today (and last week we went to a quiz and a kickboxing class- does that mean we are officially friends rather than colleagues now?) and had a great conversation about the radically different worlds where people who don't work with Peckham teenagers exist. Her sister works in cosmetics and must have lovely conversations about 'this seasons lipsticks'. It sounds ideal to be there for a while, but i know i would miss the kids after any period of time.

So we got onto our own ideal jobs. And i remembered i found mine in America!! In the shop called American Girl, you can buy 2ft dolls who look like any type of American girl you can imagine. THEN you can bring them into the shop again to get their ears pierced, or their hair done! it costs $30. This is my idea job. Sitting a inanimate object into a little chair (complete with footrest and overhead mirror) and doing its hair into simple styles! Below is a picture of 'the girls' waiting for their hair appointment:
Rowl then found the job description of my ideal job!! here!

The Joys of Football.

Xss went to the football last night, Norwich verses Swindon with his father as they are both big fans. Making me a football widow. Not that i really mind. Especially because last night i had such a great time.

I made it home from work on time, and managed to see the whole of Neighbours (yes, it is the greatest show in the world) AND whom should be on it, not only Dr. Karl being great (the guy who plays him is a legend!) but Lily Allen too. I love neighbours for all its little quirks. My favourite is when there occurs a duplication of characters (they have a set 20 or so, ie. the funny guy, the simple comedy tradesman etc), and they point it out. When Joe Mangel met Joe Scully it was brilliant!

Anyways, so i watched Neighbours and did some washing before going out to a Kick boxing class. Now i have not been kickboxing for over 8 years, but it felt the same as before. My technique has not all gone, i can still train hard and i am encouraged to go again, regularly. It was also accompanied by the joy of overcoming an obstacle as it was a real challenge for me, even with my Colleague Rowl for company, to enter a strange gym, with lots of sweaty strange men and train. But we did it, we didn't stand out that much and everyone was really nice- and no, not just because we were hopeless girls! It made me realise how often in my line of work i encourage socially disadvantaged people to go along to something new, not recognising how hard this actually is.

Well, after showering at home i cooked a nice, healthy meal, whilst Ironing Xss's shirts, then got into a lovely soft bed, with my favourite American chocolate bar (imported by myself), Butterfinger, and watched a ridiculously girly movie with a hot water bottle at my feet. It was wonderful. We are so lucky to be able to surround ourselves with all our favourite smells, sounds, sights and feelings. I should co-ordinate these more often.

I went off to sleep feeling like an effective wife, an impowered female, and highly invested in.

The Zoo

Here are some Amish people looking out from their enclosure in the St. Louis Zoo. They seem pretty happy though.

Here are some things you might not know about the Amish:

• Mustaches are forbidden (men and women).
• Amish women are not permitted to wear patterned clothing
• Belts are forbidden, as are sweaters, neckties and gloves.
• Most Amish consider posing for photographs to be an unacceptable act of pride and do not allow pictures of themselves (so really they wanted me to take this, but couldn't ask)
• Amish are averse to any technology which they feel weakens the family structure

All found on pittsburgh.about.com/ and sells to me an idyllic style of life. It would be great to speak openly with some about their life. This brilliant quote from a tourist guide for Americans is great:

"While you talk and mingle with the Amish, please remember that they are not actors or spectacles, but ordinary people who choose a different way of life."

The Opposite of Love is Fear

Today i saw two boys fighting on the street. (Peckahm is known for a certain level of violence and it would not have been a suprise if either kid had of brought out a knife.) Well fighting isn't exactly accurate as one was clinging to a tree and staring at the ground as the other (who had a choke hold on his shirt collar was jerking him savagely away and smacked him around the face. I knew i could not walk past and live with it, so i did the only thing i knew how to. I stopped.

I wasn't sure what to do, and i couldn't decide whether to challenge the aggressor, or ask the 'victim' if he needed my help. So i just stopped in an obvious way and looked at them. They noticed and commented on me being there, but after five minutes, when they realised i wasnt leaving, the aggressor loosened his grip and walked off. I'm not naive and i know that they may well fight again later that night, but i am happy to know that the kid holding onto the tree had a chance to walk away if he wanted.

I hadn't realised that i was scared by the aggression i saw but as i walked away the all too familiar signals of excess adrenaline kicked in and i did my best not to fall to pieces. The shaking, the desire to cry, the need to sit down, shortness of breath, everything ebing that bit brighter that bit more intense, combined with a dullness. It reminded me of my old job and the number of times i felt like this on shift and dealt with it, often by making a cup of tea, humming and pretending all was fine. (Never show your fear to the kids). The point is i realised during my dazed walk as i continued to the bus stop, hate is a bad thing, but fear is worse. I hated being scared and would have done anything to stop it. Fear has no solution, makes you act blindly and the outcome is not positive. Its a negative, built on a negative.

Two kids fighting over hate, is a totally different fight to two kids fighting because they feel dis-empowered, scared, that there is no future, no place for them, no-one to care and they are scared. I know Xss would be cross if he knew i got involved, but if we all continue to let the kids do whatever they like, how on earth will they learn that what they are doing is wrong?

The man who was stabbed in Deptford the other night, trying to stop youths fighting . What an admirable way to go, putting your life on the line for what you believe (they might not even be worthy of it), and trying to fight fear with love. I hope people don't feel too sad/bad for him, but see it a a positive life affirming thing he has done. He was a truly great man, and I'd be happy and proud to die for what i believe in.

Things i LOVE about Teenagers

I love my job, and the main reason for that is i regularly get to hangout with teenagers. Here are some reasons they are great:

1) At 14 they have so much more belief in their relationships and a huge degree of resilience in them (oh yeah he cheated on me, but that was last week). They believe that they will be with their boyfriend forever (well at least until they are 30), and cannot be convinced otherwise. THEY WILL MARRY THEM OK. He got the ring from Argos last week.

2) The ultimate goal in life is 'To be cool'. This is taken to all extremes and can ironically result in them looking like a complete fool by refusing to look uncool. Stupid radical clothes, outrageous make-up and taking political stances on things no-one cares about is actually cool.

3) They have no shame in trying to get away with anything. Even if they make a gain, they ruthlessly continue to see what else they might be able to get rather than marvel in their previous success. If you don't try it, you definitely wont get it.

4) They don't feel the need to go home, ever. If you go out and get wet, the default of an adult is to go home and change, if you are tired, to go home and sleep. Teenagers just seem to solve the immediate problem as soon as possible. You are wet? use a towel or handryer, or wear whatever other clothes are around and move on. You are tired? Just sleep wherever you are!

5) They believe that true love can be demonstrated by wearing matching clothes. I saw matching his and her coats last week!

6) They haven't been socially conditioned like adults to sit and move in certain ways. Ask a teenager to sit down, and they do it there and then, no squaring up to the chair and neatly sitting. Why use all that effort? If the shortest way somewhere is over two fences, bring on the fences!

7) Their natural reaction is to smile when caught out or in the wrong.

8) They actually DO need more sleep than adults. How great to sleep all day, and to have an excuse

9) If you are a teenage boy, and you fancy a teenage girl then you should bully them as much as possible; As somehow this will result in you getting the girl!!

10) They have their own language which changes with generations specifically so that adults always think teenagers sound ridiculous.

Wag1, you peng thing: Hi,You are attractive

Stop vexing me butters: Stop stressing me out you unattractive person.

I'm going to link LDog, might kick it in Burgess Park: I'm going to meet Peter, we might spend sometime in Burgess Park.

Uh fanks, sket: oh, thank you. You sexually promiscuous person.

Sick, lets roll : Great, lets go.

11) You can say 'blood' or 'bro' on the end of sentences and expect people not to laugh at you

12) Groups of teenagers hanging around with each other has always caused anxiety in adults, and since they all look the same it is impossible to determine what they might be capable of. Will they all run after me and push me or are they simply discussing Dizzy Rascal in upper class accents?

13) They can effectively completely disown their own actions with the phrase, 'Well, i must have.....' As if someone else has made them do it and they cant really remember.

If any of my kids are reading this- I love you guys, keep up the good work! You rock! (that's old person for you are cool).

Stranger Danger

On Saturday i went out with a friend to see the sights of London. After deciding that we would not go to London Dungeons (although it is really fun- I've been 3 times recently), i thought it would be nice, awkward but nice, to give the 2:4:1 vouchers i had to some family in the queue.

I did know that it would be hard, but never predicted that it would be so very awkward that i felt like i had been caught doing something very wrong by a teacher and went so red the traffic near by should have stopped.

So i found my first 'needy' family- a dad and son who said they had no discount voucher and welcomed the one from me. They saved £20. i like to think that they had a slap up meal afterwards in celebration (but not one that cost more than £20!)

Next family, yes they could use one. Bit of confusion, but yes. They saved £20.

Then the scary London Dungeon lady came over and said, 'you're not selling them are you?' in a voice that very much meant, you are in trouble for selling them. I professed very quickly and profusely that 'no i wasn't', and then in desperation declared that she should ask the people themselves. Why is it unbelievable to think that someone might give away their 2:4:1 Tesco's vouchers that would expire next week, if they were passing by the attraction. Well, the scary lady, probably scared away by my unbelievable degree of flustering went away and i continued (1 voucher to go).

However....... NO ONE else would touch the voucher, everyone said they were sorted and didn't need a voucher. They did, but the lady scared them off and i looked like some weird despero who had been caught trying to rip them off. In the end i got so embarrassed and desperate that i had to give up and walk off with the voucher burried deep in my pocket.

I think you need a healthy degree of scepticism and suspicion of nice deals for nothing, but if they had of taken that dangerous little piece of paper they could have read it for themselves and decided whether to use it or not. At least it would have replicated the nice gesture i was so desperately trying to make.

I am still embarrassed now. I feel like i tried to hug the world, and it just ran away screaming; with everyone else watching.

The Island of Bed

My favourite moment of the day is the moments of darkness after i have got into bed at night. No matter what happened that day, no matter the tiredness, the rain, the overpowering work load or the stressful encounters with irate people, i always know i will end it all lying in my soft island paradise, in the dark, chatting with Xss.

Its almost like a perpetual sleepover; giggling, sharing stories and evaluating the day. In the dark you have to focus a lot more on people's voices, and you can hear every movement, its almost a more linear way to communicate. But always a time to feel safe, relaxed and calm in the knowledge that since its now sleep time, the next hassle must be at least 7 hours off.

I cant recommend this enough. The nicest way to end a day, and probably the reason why people say the route to a happy, long marriage is going to bed at the same time.

Whats F&*$ You in Portuguese?

Xss and I returned to our Portuguese class last night, having only attended the introductory session and then missed two due to America. I have to admit to being a little jet lagged and perhaps (read definitely) felt my emotions overtly but i really felt that she discriminated against us for being married. haha.

When we told the lady taking attendance the first week we would be missing some sessions she noted on her paper, 'the marrieds will not be attending for 2 weeks'. So last night she took the register calling everyone by name, apart from us. For when she got to us she asked ' LE & Xss'? like we were one!

In addition to this with ALL the handouts she came over and said oh, sorry i haven't enough, can you two share. However, these packs contained material we needed to use in the lesson and sheets we were supposed to fill in for homework. Thanks.

Well after having caught up with my sleep i realise that perhaps this is not because she is bitter and twisted because she is not married and thinks young married couples are naive and stupid, but purely circumstance. BUT I'll be watching.

Back in the Rain

America was brilliant. As i excitedly drove to my house along those vaguely familiar roads (it is 9 years since i lived there), i can remember so exactly the date i arrived in Minnesota a few weeks after my 18th birthday never having been on a plane before. The love and excitement remains and i ran down the drive and into Tim's arms as he stood to greet me from his usual garage chair retreat.

Xss and I enjoyed driving down the Mississippi to St. Louis with our ultimate destination unknown. We settled for spending a few days in the Ozarks, and visiting several small towns on the way back, each with their own $2 museum as a tribute to something random and bizarre.

This is the place where the first 'Pony Express' left from, however the idea never really took off as telegrams were invented!

Below is a nice corn field we decided that we liked a lot better than any of the great cities. I think this is Nebraska somewhere. We had stopped for a Dairy Queen ice-cream, surprise surprise.

It was so great to see all my family, but also to be 'lost' in the middle of a huge safe country with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Every single stress of life removed.

I'd love to see all of the states, and if i had nothing else to do i;d love to do a Steinbeck (my favourite author) and spend a long time just going for a wander through them.

American Excitment

I'm going to America on Thursday and I'm sooooo excited. Really excited. America is a place which taught me all about 'family' when i moved there aged 18. It was the place i fled to, to escape my own home environment in Britain. The folk i ended up living with are just so great, a real family and i miss them so much when I'm not there.

The simple things I'm looking forward to are getting a hug from my mom, seeing Tim and being part of a wider family and community who are always receptive to me and always open armed! They accept me for who i am, inspire me to do better, and offer me a comfortable place to rest as myself.

Xss obviously does not enjoy these benefits quite as much as me ('whats her name again?' accompanied by an anxious look) so we will also be driving to Memphis to see the home of the King!!! yippee. I'm worried that this wont be quite as relaxing or breathtaking as last year when we drove to Yellowstone Park (Yogi wasn't home :( ), but it will be great to see more of the great cultural patchwork that is the USA!

I will probably gain a stone in weight also as i always over indulge in the food which fits my own personal culture better also- anything sweet, fattening or bad for you- I'm there!

The view from my drive in America!! ISnt it great, there's nothing but Corn!!!!!

P.S Brazilian farm has been in touch- the volunteers co-ordinator is sorting out personalised projects for myself and Xss to do. First Portuguese class tonight.

I'm Winning!

I sometimes get the distinct impression when i am doing particularly well at doing my list of household chores, that i am 'getting ahead'. I know everything needs to be done again and again, and the hoovering might never be complete, but i smile if i can get there because i like to think that next time i hoover, there wont be as much dust.

I am definitely winning. Yippee.

I also manage to get home 45 minutes before Xss most days so feel like i can cheat time also, by the time he gets in and puts his bag down i can have been to the shops, hoovered & cleaned, or watched Neighbours and put the washing away. I am a time travelling genius!

Cheese & Vinegar

My cheese sandwich for lunch is dry, but i don't like wasting food so i'm going to have it with balsamic vinegar since i cant find any ketchup. It might now be edible, but also indigestible? Oh well perhaps the fruit corner yogurt will solve all that. What a well put together lunch! I'd rather a McDonald's.

The Puddle District

Just got back from the lake district. It wasn't very lakey, and it rained a lot, so i deduce its more like an area of puddles. Xss and i climbed the 'Old Man of Coniston' (seen looming above) which had some lovely views; not so much breath taking as windy. The main thing to come out of this break was how much i love London!! Ironic i know! i like to think im a country girl at heart, i can spin a cow pat with the best of them, and name every tree by its leaves, but i really do like the city.

In the Lake district the bus costs £4.15 for a single to somewhere 15 minutes away, in London its a quid, or £2 max to places miles away.
Pub meals were poor quality, the atomosphere lacking and meals about £12 each. In our local in London, its a very old pub, with meals costing £6 each and a quiz every Tuesday! You should go there: The Angel.
It rained all the time and was colder than london.
No cultural diversity

well enough moaning, here is a nice picture of London.

Passion: The football way.

So what to write about. I struggle to write on here often because i just cant believe that anyone might be interested in my opinion or moaning about whatever i feel. That being said, my main purpose for this is for me to read it back at some stage: I can find old letters i have written to friends and read them with enjoyment, sometimes only noticing at the end that i have written it myself.

So i went to see the Brentford- Norwich City match two nights ago. It was a great experience and it was an eye opener to how Xss functions. My Husband (Xss) an avid season ticket holder for many years (despite no longer living in Norwich) thrives off football, and the normally emotionally even and planned individual suddenly morphs into this passionate, hawk eyed, emotional part of a crowd. I've never seen him cheer so whole heartedly or enter the depths of dispair so spontaneously.

It was a great experience to share, and reminded me of my own passion for rock concerts and the feeling of being one with a crowd and passionately empathising and living through the performers/players in front of you. I believe each teenager needs a serious passion to keep them on the straight and narrow to get to fruitful adulthood and this is Xss's.

Unfortunately, as is commonly the way with Norwich these days, they lost 2-1 to a team which had only just been promoted to the league which Norwich had been demoted to. (so really Norwich should be top of the league and Brentford bottom). I sat a few chairs away from the glorious Delia Smith (cook and sponsor of Norwich), who looked depressed and non responsive when they began to lose.

'Its only a game' is not a phrase that can be uttered around these people, to them it is not, its a way of life, a passion, a community, and a uniting cause. Try saying 'its only a band' to the girls who thought about suicide after Take That broke up.

Passion is a life giving quality

Quite disappointed that there were no fresh doughnuts for sale during the half time- is it me or does that seem like a good snack to have at the football?

Task: Cut out unhealthy snacks. Gotta get fit for my holidays.

P.S Am now checking my email daily (or hourly on a slow day) to see if Rainbow farm reply to my email.

I Love my Team

I love my office. Its great, i wonder if anyone else gets as much joy from being at their desk than me. Working in the 'social sector' can be very stressful when you are dealing with clients and engaging in various conversations with multiple realities, i cant tell you the number of conversations i have been lost in but have nodded along blithely so that i can then progress to challenge their ideals and ask the questions i want.

well, anyways. The outcome of this, is that numerous alternatively weird and stupid conversations occur in the office, often to defelct from the depressingly sad experiences we have outside the office.

The latest entertainment has been to hide the draws under Nathali's desk. She has finally taken some from an empty desk after having a rather sad cardboard box under her desk which contained her notes and lunch foods combined. So with her overjoyed at 'graduating' to a dignified draw set (complete with stationary tray!) we have been entertaining ourselves with taking it and waiting to see how long it takes her to notice. The first time we put it back under the old desk, we were caught by her manager, to whom we explained that Nathali prefered her cardboard box and wanted to return to that system (tee hee). It took her only 9 minutes to notice.

The second time we turned the draws around and crudely drew on the back some draws and blue tacked the key near the spot it would sit, it looked pretty good if you ask me. This time it took Nathali only 22 minutes to notice. I was trying to stifle giggles the whole time so was very relieved.

A Cheery Start

An old man greeted me this morning as i cycled into work today with a cheery 'Morning' which seemed as heart felt and sincere as any so brief greeting between strangers could be. I obviously replied with a chirpy, 'Good morning', trying to emphasise the Good. I was earlier than usual, but it really made me consider whether i should come earlier everyday, just to see this man.

So i finally managed to go swimming before work (hence my early start). It was ok, as ok as any exercise can be, but it has unfortunately meant i have now felt like i have licence to eat anything i want all day. This included a crispy cream doughnut for breakfast!

Have now written an application for the Rainbow Farm, Brazil, which was a great exercise, and somewhat stumped me when it asked, 'What can you do for the organisation?' i find it hard to write all my skills and offers without seeming vane or like i am inflicting something upon them, I will come and improve your organisation. Its weird how so many various random skills can come together to be relevant, from being a good horse rider (from decades ago), a current practitioner of family dynamics and trying to keep children in the home, to having analytical skills from my masters giving me the resources to assess and evaluate any project they want. I kind of feel sometimes like i walk along my road picking various skills from the tree's at the wayside until i will one day reach the market with a full basket and a contented mind.

Task: Make a list of all my accumulated skills and email it in my completed application form to Rainbow Farm.

The Topic is:

Today in a 'team meeting' the manager of the team got upset and left 15 minutes in, saying 'i'll be back in a minute'. She promptly returned to her desk to work as if nothing had happened. The rest of the team stayed for the reaminder of the 2 hour meeting, puctuated by a short, yet very amuzing break as the managers-manager went to look for her and eventually called her on the phone. Apparently the argument was over whether the word Topic should be added to a sentance. My colleague Sparkles and I have no initiated a bet to see how many times we can say Topic in the next team meeting. On reflection (and some assistance from XSS) i realise that this is mean. Now i think i'll just get her a Topic chocolate bar instead.

P.S I'd like to start spreading random apprication around London. This weeks challenge, should you choose to accept:

Buy and give a choclate bar to a bus driver when you get on the bus!

The Start

So its Sunday afternoon and i am BORED. Xss gone to see his parents, Tx gone to Uganda, and no-one else bored enough to engage with me.

Thought i'd get this blog up and running again in order to map my progress of moving from London, sorted, friendly, domestic straggler, into Development Dynamic, communune owning nanny with a rainbow of children hanging off her apron tails.

Currently Xss and i are looking to leave next summer earliest after his sister gets married, and look at doing something for a year before reconsidering. haha.

Project Xss found last week looks promising with a position in 'research on child traffiking'! thats up my alley but will i find it too sad, as i imagine with all these things, its not so much the outcome of each of these individual children that counts, but the details around each of their sad stories.

Task for the week: Read more about Outreach International