Today i saw two boys fighting on the street. (Peckahm is known for a certain level of violence and it would not have been a suprise if either kid had of brought out a knife.) Well fighting isn't exactly accurate as one was clinging to a tree and staring at the ground as the other (who had a choke hold on his shirt collar was jerking him savagely away and smacked him around the face. I knew i could not walk past and live with it, so i did the only thing i knew how to. I stopped.
I wasn't sure what to do, and i couldn't decide whether to challenge the aggressor, or ask the 'victim' if he needed my help. So i just stopped in an obvious way and looked at them. They noticed and commented on me being there, but after five minutes, when they realised i wasnt leaving, the aggressor loosened his grip and walked off. I'm not naive and i know that they may well fight again later that night, but i am happy to know that the kid holding onto the tree had a chance to walk away if he wanted.
I hadn't realised that i was scared by the aggression i saw but as i walked away the all too familiar signals of excess adrenaline kicked in and i did my best not to fall to pieces. The shaking, the desire to cry, the need to sit down, shortness of breath, everything ebing that bit brighter that bit more intense, combined with a dullness. It reminded me of my old job and the number of times i felt like this on shift and dealt with it, often by making a cup of tea, humming and pretending all was fine. (Never show your fear to the kids). The point is i realised during my dazed walk as i continued to the bus stop, hate is a bad thing, but fear is worse. I hated being scared and would have done anything to stop it. Fear has no solution, makes you act blindly and the outcome is not positive. Its a negative, built on a negative.
Two kids fighting over hate, is a totally different fight to two kids fighting because they feel dis-empowered, scared, that there is no future, no place for them, no-one to care and they are scared. I know Xss would be cross if he knew i got involved, but if we all continue to let the kids do whatever they like, how on earth will they learn that what they are doing is wrong?
The man who was stabbed in Deptford the other night, trying to stop youths fighting . What an admirable way to go, putting your life on the line for what you believe (they might not even be worthy of it), and trying to fight fear with love. I hope people don't feel too sad/bad for him, but see it a a positive life affirming thing he has done. He was a truly great man, and I'd be happy and proud to die for what i believe in.
1 comment:
Reading this brought back such clear memories of you humming and offering me tea and simply making me smile, as we waited for whatever our shift (and the unpredictable YW) would bring us!
Hate is a result of fear isn't it? These kids have learnt their own survival techniques - for many of them it really is survival of the fittest - make someone else's life hell or have your own life made hell. Makes me feel so damn lucky xx
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