Last week on my lunch break i saw a familiar face, not one easy to place, but nonetheless comfortable. Thankfully he felt the same and as we passed each other we slowed our pace, committed to unhesitantly staring at each other and as we passed i commited to stop and just stare. Luckily i got his name that same second. Michael!
As we shock hands he labelled me, as if reafirming me to himself, 'your princess' friend'. Yeah. well yeah, but i actually knew him through Lovely, a colleagueal St. Mungo's hostel worker. But i didnt say this. And now im wondering why.
Was it because it was easier to fit in with his labelling system than to bring up suicide? Was it because it was irrelivant because he's an aquaintance and i'll never see him again, or was it because i was embaressed that he might have felt i was Princess's friend and not Lovely's because i didnt attend her funneral or make any public appearances at her death events. Did i feel the need to defend myself, to put in my excuses as to why i was unwilling to make my grief public, or my 1 week old baby. Was it because in explaining why i wasnt at the funneral i would have been unable to stop myself from making it explicit to myself, more than him, that one of my best friends killed herself a few days before my daughter was due to arrive on the planet, and the embaressement and shame i feel that she didnt want to meet her.
I've never said that in those words before.
I feel ashamed that i denied Lovely, that i didnt harshly decreee that she was my friend. My good friend, my wonderful, funny, full-of-thought friend, who liked Kinkie and Blondie, danced around handbags and cooked terrible vegetarian food.
I wish i had of done. Later on i wondered what his view of her suicide was. Did he think her ill? out of her mind? or more lucid than she had been in years.I'd like to try and find him again to ask, but he works in a hostel for homeless women so the advertising of the address will be negative.
In someways i feel bad for harping on, on here about this same subject again. But then i realise that i havent actually harped on about it enough, and until i am unembaressed, not angry and less confused it's going to be hard to progress.
P.S i've finshed my dissertaion so now i am free to open a computer guilt free! oooo lucky you! more suicide moanings!
5 comments:
Good. You were missed. Oh and congrats in completing - well done!
AND with two little munchkins - what a dedicated superstar you are.
I feel lazy and ashamed.
Anyhoo, harp away; that's why we blog, to dispense and share our thoughts.
Hugs xx
PS
I can imagine the unanswered questions drive you crazy, but I have no doubt that whatever was happening for Lovely was in her own head and not related to baby stuffs.
PPS
I also wonder if your guilt stuffs is in your own head - just you judging you xxx
Thanks for the encouragment Bubble Bee. On reflection i dont think that Lovely death was much related to Cookie's upcoming birth, but i will never get how she could put down her phone mid whatsapp with me, which partly discussed new life, and go hang herself. Doesnt she know its rude to leave mid conversation without excusing herself. I just wanted her to have cared more for me than she did. - oooh now im judging her and making me too important perhaps......round and round we go.
Missed your reply - do I get a notification?
I understand how it's difficult when you have unanswered frustrations and a scenario that makes no sense - and the one person who could answer your questions have f*cked off. Yes, rude ;0)
Love you x
No it doesnt ping you when someone else comments on here :)
Post a Comment