I want a cupboard

This week I went to True's new house and discovered a new jealousy of mine. Cupboard envy. Oh how glorious it seems to be to have storage, lots and lots of storage. Spaces with doors and shutters (what's a shutter inside a house?) where you can put things somewhere and close them away from sight! This to me seems like the biggest freedom in the world right now. Forget prisons (if they have cupboards with doors they are as free as me) or those agoraphobics stuck inside ( if they had unlimited cupboard space they could spend their time inside organising and re-organising these spaces.)

True has a shoe cupboard big enough to hang a family of 4's coats in, a playroom to hide her boys toys in, a cupboard to cover her washing machine, an outside shed to hide bikes, another to hide other shed type things in, a garage to hide the car, a very random cupboard outside the back door to hide the 'overflow fridge' in. Her bedroom has no less than 6 built in wardrobes, allowing her separate spaces to hang tops, bottoms and items not in season. She even has some empty cupboards she doesn't know what to do with. Today I really wish I had a built in cupboard, I really do.

I live in a silly new build with no storage. if you visit my house you can take an itinerary of everything we own as you walk through to our lounge. If you can't see it, we don't have it. I want one big enough for my ironing board. I want one to hide the Hoover, I want one so that I can buy a broom or a mop and bucket.

Xss and I discuss this sometimes as he has a perhaps rational fear, due to my comment above, that when you get storage you fill it. Like it's a law. He's worried that if I get a cupboard by the time we move to bigger house I will have accumulated enough stuff to so densely populate the new place 1the merit of moving will have been nullified.

I still want a cupboard, even if it's true.

17/52 Happy? The possibility that my future has a built in cupboard in it.

The last Horoah!

Since we´ve been back on the farm its been very uneventful; although i am now more tanned than some of the Brazillians. All i need is longer brown hair and tight denim shorts and i´d blend in perfectly. (well i doubt i ever blend in because i´m always tripping over, but i might be mistaken for an outstanding Brazillian). There are now eight of us British people on the farm so evenings have become a little more fun. We generally play bored games or watch films, Paddy (29, British) makes a mean cup of British tea, but more importantly the level of Banter is great as several people are very funny (Ali- 26, British) and i havent laughed as hard or so constantly for ages.

The breaking news from Britian is that True has given brith to her second son and named him Joel David. Xss and I have talked about when we will have kids and i am willing to admit that i am less than enthused about the prospect of voluntarily allowing my body to be comendered for nine months with no deposit being held for damages. I am pretty sure damages will occur, so i have to wait until the want for the product is greater than the sacrificing of my lovely flat stomach and only slightly wobbley thighs (even if i do get bigger boobs!). However, I do want a family and along with the excitement of Joel coming, and the disappointment of not being able to meet him until June, is an odd feeling of slight jealousy........

Joel not yet aware that sleeping involves a shut mouth

So now we only have three weeks left in Brazil, and only one on the farm. I am going to spend mine painting a house and Xss will continue building one. There are now so many volunteers squahed in here that we more long term ones have enjoyed a few days of witnessing the new arrivalsBrazillia induction into n culture. Here are some clues as to how to spot a new arrival:
- They have large holes in their towels from dog attacks at night and not pinning their towel up high enough.
- They have an english red and white stripes pattern.
- They admit outloud that they dont like rice and beans (they´ll have to take this back later)
- They stroke the dogs. This results in a half an hour battle between them and the dog as the dog will try anything to get another stroke.
- They think its weird/unusual to be bitten by a Tic or an Ant, or a beatle or any type of bug.
- They dont know you have to hold the oven nobb down for over 30 seconds initially to keep it alight and keep letting go at lesser times.
- They ask, ´what does Jeff do?´
- They dont wear socks and flipflops yet
- They try to wear different clothes each day
- They eat something other than chicken noodles and frozen pizza
- They stand silently in front of Brazillian speakers as they realise they have no words to say that will be understood and then try to think of a back-up plan on the spot. (imagine the very begining of a charades game).

Things that should only be eaten in pairs:

Cadbury's buttons
Pringles (after having licked both sides)


thats all i can think of.


P.S At youth group tonight we all did that thing were you anonymously write down the qualities you like about other people- Someone wrote 'Sporty' on mine and my biggest childhood ambition was achieved! Sporty, me! aha. I'm so proud, True had the whole package at school and when we, the 'odd couple', bundled along together i am sure the teachers thought it odd that the cleverest, prettiest and sportiest (well not est- but she held the discuss record for years!) girl would hangout with me, the misfit. Little did they realise that i would get alright grades and be labelled 'sporty' at aged 27! True knew all along. :)

A True friend

True, I LOVE YOU!! Thanks for today. You empower me and encourage me to live my life in the best way i can. You are wonderful. Today was greater than 8 therapy sessions: i probably therefore owe you £400.

A true friend is the person who knows everything about you, and yet still likes you.

My Counsellor's bullying me!

I've tried to access counselling, which took me a long time. The most part of this was taken up with me trying to decide if i needed counselling and what i would say if someone asked me why i wanted it on a good day, when i was in a good mood and felt like i didn't need it.

However, the frequency of which i go from happy as a frog in a thunderstorm to angry enough to want to flying kick every door that ever lived, pushed me to do it. So i called the 'help' line. The lady was nice enough, and we went through the depression and anxiety questionnaires. She then told me that i qualified for four telephone counselling sessions. Everyone qualifies for these.

Despite telling the lady that i did not think that i wanted to do telephone sessions, she insisted i try it as a first step. So my counsellor called me, when i was walking along the southbank one night going to dinner. We discussed when he could call me for my first session, and i again explained that i did not feel comfortable with this. He again, didn't really seem to listen, and i agreed he could call me next Wednesday. Ah-ha. I am not even assertive enough to tell my counsellor, the man i am hoping can help and empower me, that i did not want to do this. Damn.

So, he then called me again another day to rearrange as he had a different open time slot, on a day i had already told him i cannot do. Illustrating that the only thing we had already talked about, he did not listen to. So that was it and i just said no, this is not meeting my needs. I think he was busy as he just accepted it this time.

To conclude it all, they then sent me a feedback form on the service, a prepaid postcard. Great, confidential counselling feedback on a postcard. hahaha. So all in all the counselling has disempowered me, illustrated how weak i am, and put me off asking for help. EVER AGAIN.

How come i work in a job where emotions are important, relationships are crucial and i do direct face-to-face work with individuals because it is generally recognised by..... the world...... that body language, non-verbal communication, and feeling valued and respected are key aspects in communicating with people.

Luckily, i have lots of great friends, and a faith in a God who has confidence in me, so I'll be fine. I have to be. There's no time in life for breakdowns!

P.S Sent a text to True to apologise for not calling and letting her know that i still care but feel overwhelmed. Despite having a life, AND a baby, she called me immediately. She is so lovely. Seriously, i want to be her. How can someone always be so calm and reliable, yet fun and joyful?