Today i finished my counselling, and the process seems nice and complete. I feel like I've completed a cycle, starting in one place and going through everything to come back to a similar, but happier place than before. However, i also fear it is possible that i have bravely stepped out of my dark warren , like a young buck rabbit on the first day of spring, only to find that on my confident meander into the lovely field of grass (or shall we say possibilities & opportunities) i actually quickly realised that living in a dark warren could really be rather comfortable, change isn't a good thing, i like to have meticulous control, and a warren with a new recordable digi box and ice cream is actually quite a nice place to be; and therefore retracted rapidly back into my comfort zone faster than i could even smell the fresh cut grass; reassuring myself that I'd seen and learnt all i could from outside.
Whichever way, I'm happier.
The most exciting thing i learnt from my counsellor today was that perhaps somethings we do are just random, with no real reason, but often we do things for a reason, hidden or apparent. When i was a teenager i took my curtains down. Not satisfied with that, i then took my curtain rail down and lived for years with no curtains. Later on i painted my ceiling blue, with a swirl of white stars, mapped with luminous spots to create my own little planetarium. Now plenty of kids do this, it could mean nothing. But it could mean that i was trying to remove the barriers between me and the world, trying to remain in my house, but at the same time be liberated and exposed to the raw world.
I did used to like to sleep in the woods.
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