I was sad over Christmas. Now not only is my sister gone, but also my good mate Lovely. I feel like I know I am not supposed to say this, but it seems pretty selfish to me. I know my good colleague who also has experience of suicide would disown me for even posing the question, but ultimately I feel let down. I feel pissed off with her, if things were so bad why didn't she tell me. Get help. Tell her therapist the day beforehand. She did in fact tell her therapist the day beforehand, but when asked if she was serious about suicide and would follow her plan through lovely said 'no'. That was a lie. It was a lie when she pretended to be normal and bubbly to me ten minutes before she did it. So I feel like I have a right to be annoyed at that, and a right to label her as somewhat selfish.
This is our group chat on the day before she died:
lovely: love you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Honestly: we love you toooooooo x
Me: I'm at Honestly's and we just had dinner!!!!!!!
As you can see, I am ever the skilled conversationalist!
The day Lovely died, August 29th 2014
Me: Princess, Honestly said last night that you have a choice of 3 audition songs.... What are they and do you have a fav? I'd like to think I'd sing Aerosmith and be really arrogant like Steven Tyler but realistically it would be terrible as I'd turn into a scared mouse.
princess: Geek any news on baby's arrival?
lovely: Isn't consultant appointment on Monday? Did you and Xss come up with dates and times. Be great if you can just say, 'I'd like a baby on 5th at 3pm' just like a haircut!not quite like a haircut. Xxx
Honestly: I need a haircut!
Lovely: Just book it in like Geek! Xxx
Then in The following ten minutes she put down her phone, did whatever last bits she needed to do, tied her scarf around her neck and hung herself from the banisters. As she hung there we continued this conversation with inane comments about what audition songs we'd sing.
honestly: I'd do dolly!
Me: yeah! To Dolly. lovely would you do Kinikie? Hahah. Seriously though if the dr says I can have a section on, say, Thursday morning do you think it would be ok to say, 'do you have something a bit later in the day?' I'd like a Thursday morning late enough to drop Starbucks off at nursery at 9 first.
And my life continued as normal......
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Thursday, January 08, 2015
Human Rights
Recently Princess asked me to attend a concert she was singing in. I love singing. Really love singing. I'm not any good, but i enjoy it, as i believe pretty much everyone does due to the popularity of karaoke.
So I checked out her choirs website. It made me mad but took me a whole to work out why.
- firstly the website advertised that you could come along to your first choir session for a 'non-committal £9'
- 800 concert tickets were on sale for £15 each with no reference to what this money would be used for, and I know my friend would be singing for free.
I finally realised why this made me mad. No one should have to pay to sing. Why singing is a human right, as surely as breathing is? In our house we have had to create a rule to counter a totalitarian 2 year olds shouts of, ' no I singing' (meaning you can't sing), and 'I don't like it'(meaning you can't sing) and 'don't sing!' (This one might be obvious - meaning = you can't sing). So our family rule is 'everyone can sing whenever they like'. And I think this should apply to the world over.
In terms of the choir, I understand that a cost might be incurred for the person leading the choir, and for hiring the venue to rehearse, but this seemed more than that. And indeed they don't charge on a pay as you come basis; which is also sad. Surely if people liked singing in this choir they would happily turn up every week without a financial duty to.
I'm not sure if my views are tainted by my weekly church attendance where I get to sing for free every single week, but singing your heart out is good for you. It makes everything all right. Just watch the x-factor!
So I checked out her choirs website. It made me mad but took me a whole to work out why.
- firstly the website advertised that you could come along to your first choir session for a 'non-committal £9'
- 800 concert tickets were on sale for £15 each with no reference to what this money would be used for, and I know my friend would be singing for free.
I finally realised why this made me mad. No one should have to pay to sing. Why singing is a human right, as surely as breathing is? In our house we have had to create a rule to counter a totalitarian 2 year olds shouts of, ' no I singing' (meaning you can't sing), and 'I don't like it'(meaning you can't sing) and 'don't sing!' (This one might be obvious - meaning = you can't sing). So our family rule is 'everyone can sing whenever they like'. And I think this should apply to the world over.
In terms of the choir, I understand that a cost might be incurred for the person leading the choir, and for hiring the venue to rehearse, but this seemed more than that. And indeed they don't charge on a pay as you come basis; which is also sad. Surely if people liked singing in this choir they would happily turn up every week without a financial duty to.
I'm not sure if my views are tainted by my weekly church attendance where I get to sing for free every single week, but singing your heart out is good for you. It makes everything all right. Just watch the x-factor!
Monday, December 29, 2014
Happy Christmas
Starbucks dressed as a sheep for the nativity play.
My mother-in-law wanted her to dress as an angel, but she insisted on a sheep. I was so proud, but so was Starbucks!
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Smile, and the whole world judges you
How i have missed writing on here. I've been busy revising and taking my law exam - i guess i could have put a note on here explaining that. But now i'm done, and am free to type as much as i want, small baby permitting.
Todays topic is smiling.
My colleague remarked on Tuesday that Starbucks is a 'smiley kid', which is true. She has always been a happy baby, and wherever i took her she would smile at people, and they would like her.
When Starbucks smiles, its a knowing look, like she has this world in her hand. She has an agenda that she is not necessarily going to let on. She is in control, she is assertive and confident and pleased with who she is, and what she can do. She smiles at me as if to say, 'you fool, you think you're in control?'
This is not fact. This is opinion.
This is my interpretation of her smile, my sentiment towards my first baby whom i had no idea what to do with, but felt like she knew all along but didn't tell me. This is the first person in the world to make me a certain kind of happy inside. Perhaps she smiles because she is happy, but that seems to simple for Starbucks clever little mind.
This led me to realise that i interpret (and yes interpret - although if i label her like this enough I might make it become self-actualising- a child lives up to the expectations put upon them), Cookie's smile in a whole different way.
Todays topic is smiling.
My colleague remarked on Tuesday that Starbucks is a 'smiley kid', which is true. She has always been a happy baby, and wherever i took her she would smile at people, and they would like her.
This is Starbucks smiling:
When Starbucks smiles, its a knowing look, like she has this world in her hand. She has an agenda that she is not necessarily going to let on. She is in control, she is assertive and confident and pleased with who she is, and what she can do. She smiles at me as if to say, 'you fool, you think you're in control?'
This is not fact. This is opinion.
This is my interpretation of her smile, my sentiment towards my first baby whom i had no idea what to do with, but felt like she knew all along but didn't tell me. This is the first person in the world to make me a certain kind of happy inside. Perhaps she smiles because she is happy, but that seems to simple for Starbucks clever little mind.
This led me to realise that i interpret (and yes interpret - although if i label her like this enough I might make it become self-actualising- a child lives up to the expectations put upon them), Cookie's smile in a whole different way.
Cookie smiles like this:
Cookie has the smile of an imbecile. I look at her smiling and think, 'oh you poor little baby, you don't really get whats going on do you'. The jokes on her, she is naive and foolish, smiling at a time when she is yet to realise how dark and weird the world actually is.
odd how i interpret them both so differently. Im glad that i am now aware of this, and can try not to look down on Cookie as foolish quite so much. But what other assumptions have i made about this 3 month old baby that i am not aware of. I've just got to hope that my children are very forgiving when they grow up to be who i'm labeling them as. Perhaps they are labeling me in a similar way. What a silly mummy.
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