I fed the baby.

Today marks something, I'm not sure what. Perhaps a homecoming? Something happened which helped me realise I've realign my life.

As I wandered around tescos tossing the baby from hip to hip due to the duration that I had been lugging around her weight; breast milk visibly leaking from my left breast and darkening my navy vest top from the overdue bedtime feed, hugging the baby with the items of shopping I had chosen whilst wandering around the supermarket looking for what to feed the girls 1.5 hours overdue their healthy dinner which was one step away from the table when I left the house. I chose a cucumber, some Sharon fruit and some baby food pouches. I also decided to carry with me a pack of nappies, some feta cheese also. The definitive moment arrived when Starkbucks, who had been trailing me around the store wining that I wouldn't carry her, sneezed. An inch of snot appeared below each nostril, swinging away. As I'd bolted out of the house (as much as you can bolt with two small people - I minimised the leaving routine by grabbing Cookie a skirt and Starbucks a t-shirt, oh and locking the doors) I had nothing on me child related. Well apart from the child I was lugging around. There was nothing for it. I stooped, said, 'Don't worry Starbucks' and I clamped the snort tendrils between a fold in my t-shirt. True story. No snail trail on my t-shirt here, oh no, a snail has died and tried to burry itself on my shirt.

I'm no saint, so in this moment I did care that I looked terrible, I was embarrassed that I was wiping my daughters nose with the bottom of my top, I regretted that I had not planned better and grabbed the baby bag on the way out, and the pushchair, and the tissues. But I was also complete. In all this chaos I was not swayed, I did not feel particularly stressed or undone, because I was on a mission.

As I turned to put the dinner on the table the doctors rang to say that a test result had come back and Starbucks was to take antibiotics as soon as possible. Starbucks had been really struggling with a temperature this afternoon, and for several days previous. Since it was Friday night I had to get onto it now. The doctor even agreed to leave her window open so that I could holler into her room when I arrived as I would almost certainly arrive after closing time.

This is the thing about babies, and perhaps one of the things that makes childless people annoyed/jealous, having a child gives you a purpose. It might not be a Nobel one, or one with any particularly clear meaning, but they refine what you are doing with your life, and help define goals where previously there was a collective rush of trying to achieve.

In this moment my purpose was clear, to get medicine for my sick child. When babies are really small it's always really clear, stop the baby crying, feed the baby, change the baby, or get the baby to sleep. These, although emotionally tiring at times are so much clearer than the goals you feel like you have to achieve in the real world. Without kids people feel the need to balance career goals, with a social life and intellect and art and being part of a meaningful relationship. When you get a baby you seem to be allowed to opt out of all of this and replace it with feeding a small person. You are then allowed to feel complete. It feels a bit like a cheat. When anyone asks about my 'career' (non existent), my love life (currently on pause) or my opinions on politics (can I vote Green because it's my favourite colour?) I can legitimately now just point to my baby and say 'I woke up 3 times with her last night' as if that's an answer. on days when I am not clear which way is up, it's a relief.