Saying Goodbye

Yesterday i finished work and said goodbye to my colleagues. I don't like hugs or emotional outbursts (except for teenage ones, like 'i hate you all, goodbye!' said as storming through a doorway and slamming it as punctuation (note to self this is unacceptable as a 'goodbye' to adults i know) but as i walked away from work i realised that the folk there aren't so much colleagues or people who tolerate me and my incessant chatter about Jordan, but possibly, actually, really, friends. I will miss Junior, Rowl and N-Man a lot. Its a shame to leave a job with a good team, as really its the people that make the job isn't it. That's why i left my minimum wage job at McDonalds, people just weren't getting me!

I also went to church for the last time the day before, and they were talking about missing me and XSS too. Its weird being the one going away as in many ways i want to implore people to not go, but its me going, and people are making it sad. Its unspoken, but no-one believes that life will be the same when we get back. There is a distinct feeling of mourning, for all that is good in our lives. Not to put a downer on things, but i guess times change, other people will move on, and it will not be the same as now, not worse, just different (that's what people say when really they mean worse).

As i sat on the bus inching away from Peckham past the numerous houses i have been in, and got to know very well. I feel like i am walking away from the responsibility that i have taken on during my time there. I often feel i have to stop ALL the kids stabbing each other and to help each vulnerable unfulfilled one i see. I know a lot of people don't think it is their responsibility to help sort out these kids, it is not popular to suggest that adults interrupt kids with knives fighting, and we can all blame the demise of society for hurting our kids. But as i step away i am renewed with the belief that the primary people who should be working on these issues are the parents of the ones hurt OR hurting (everyone seems to ask why the police don't stop it instead of looking to themselves).Why doesn't every adult who knows a kid take on responsibility for them? It'd only be a few each rather than expecting the police, schools and social services to be responsible for them all once they've reached a threshold of 'mucked-up-ness

Really though, in a very selfish way, i am hoping that by going away i can leave behind the emotional burden of this, and enjoy another countries youth: I bet the luggage will be waiting for me when i get back, but that's ok.

I'm looking forward to going, but also very nervous. Its hard for me to decide quite what i am worried about but here is what i can deduce:

- Will i be too hot?

- Will the toilets be ok for a number 2?

- Will i get bored?

That's it! Humans are so stupid.

Work Reflections:

Since i will soon be leaving my job, I've been thinking back over the highlights of my time with the team. Following are my top 5 days:

1) The day we had an oil sick and our lives were put in minor peril.

I seem to have a habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and consistently throughout my time i am ALWAYS up to something stupid when the head of our building walks into our room. On this occasion Rowl had knocked a bottle of olive oil on the floor in between our desks, which also doubles as the only way to access the other desks on the other side of the room (this is why giving us lunch rooms would actually be a good idea). We both looked at it glugging onto the carpet for a while before deciding to try and mope it with a paper towel. Little success, and by this stage Junior had wandered over. We then decided to wash it with soapy water, this now seems like a stupid idea, but I'm sure some sort of logic took place at the time. So Junior got down to wash it with a little bowl and cloth, and VT our managers manager wandered across. He helpfully observed the situation also whilst i made a sign to put on the floor near by (as it had become very slippery) stating that people needed to be careful as there was a risk of minor peril ahead. I then rejoined the observers and the big head manager unnoticed slipped in also. Once we had got over our positive encouragement and criticism of Juniors efforts we notice him and someone remarked how accurate this was of a council situation, one person working with 4 looking on and criticising and managing them!

2) The day when 9/11 almost happened again.

The quality of our equipment at work is questionable and whenever the fire alarm goes off you are dubious at best. I for one enjoy fire alarms as i have not grown up and come from the school of thought that if you hear a fire alarm you should shout/scream joyously, be very noisy, and run out the building in as silly a manner as possible, only after collecting anything you want to take with you and hitting save on your computer. On this particular day several people adopted my philosophies'; especially as the fire alarm would be fixed only for us to have to leave the building again ten minutes later. On the third time of this happening as we were slowly packing up and considering leaving the office for another jaunt outside, a colleague in all earnestness declared, 'Come on people! this is how 9/11 happened!'. This caused us great merriment to imagine that 9/11 could occur again in Peckham in a crappy 3 story social services office where people cannot be bothered to leave the office quickly on a fake fire alarm. I'm not sure many people died in 9/11 because they saw the planes crash into their office but stopped to press save on CareAssess before leaving.

3) The day we developed the box game and were caught on the brand new CCTV camera

New CCTV camera's were installed in the meeting rooms and we were given one of these rooms as an office for several days temporarily. Along with this temporary move, we had no computer access and so work was limited. We developed an awesome game where we hid something in the empty 30 boxes lying around the room and then time someone to find it. We played this game in as noisy and violent a manner as possible, forgetting all the while that these CCTV camera were hooked up. Once we realised we were being spied on we thought the easiest solution was to block the camera as there was no reason for them to be on us (there was no risk of client attack). We then (Junior- it is always Junior who leads me astray) thought we could remedy this by sticking a piece of paper over the camera, which we promptly did and thought nothing more of it. In typical council fashion however, they noticed and without coming to check they called in an engineer to fix it. Imagine our embarrassment when he came in, removed the piece of paper and charged the company a huge call out fee. They never did find out this was us.

4) The day N-Man's draws were reversed.

To deal with the boredom of our office sometimes little pranks get played along a theme and these escalate more and more until we get too busy to be creative, or think independently and have to return to the monotony of record making. On this occasion a theme of altering each others person draws below our desks was picked and several items moved around, draws swapped with other people or even made to look as if they had been emptied. The height of this enjoyment was when we turned around N-man's draws and drew on some lines and blue tacked on her key so it looked like to was the right way around. It was very funny when she spent a while trying to open her draws and then looked around embarrassed as she realised.

5) The day StaceyG told me i was boring.

I work with teenagers, and every now and again i like to think I'm good at it and that i really know how to understand them and get on their level. And then people like Stacey come along and put me straight. Once during, what i thought was a great session about feelings and dealing with emotions, Stacey stopped me mid activity AND sentence and innocently asked, 'Are we nearly finished yet? I'm bored'. Well i was stunned, and promptly wrapped up the session amid stuttering and stammering and embarrassment. That'll teach me for thinking I'm cool.

Bikram Yoga? It's full of hot air!

Dear Rowl,

Thanks for the advice: I have now been to Bikram Yoga, and got ringworm. Yes. I got ringworm from a sweaty yoga mat! I did enjoy many aspects of Bikram yoga (yoga in a sauna type room) like the poses where you have to pretend you are flying (i only needed a small amount of encouragement on any day and towels make very good capes!) I also felt that i wasn't terrible at it, which is unusual for me when trying new things.

However, the negative aspects usurped these positives, namely the incident of my naked bum flesh touching a complete strangers naked thigh flesh when trying to squeeze into those titchy showers which even though they pretend to be built for 6 (note no curtains for modesty) should only accommodate one buck naked stranger at a time. This shower appeared to be the lesser of two evils, the other being seen on a tube on the way home in soaking wet, semi see-through cycling shorts and untamable hair which looked like I'd been on an adventure sports weekend. I'm not vain, but its got to be rude to stand up from your tube seat and leave a wet sweat mark for the next person to inherit!

Now i realise that i might be in the process of offending my already nominal blog audience by taking about this, but what is a blog for if it isn't for espousing unqualified opinions about topics only cats care about: I THINK YOGA IS CRAP. There I've said it. I think my body is a pretty technical but well- erm, well.... good machine, i don't think it benefits from an hour of improving my blood flow (if you blood doesn't flow well, doesn't that mean you are already dead?) or from improving my breathing (again, dead if i don't breathe). I can understand that some postures might help these things more than others- but if so, well surely a deportment style finishing school where i am taught to do these continuously as part of life is better than a sweaty 90 minutes, a few times a week. People are convinced that Yoga changed their life; i don't think so. They changed their life whilst attending yoga and they haven't managed to work out what it is they changed. What most people need is to slow down and spend 90minutes a few times a week investing in themselves and feeling good. it is an enforced calm and time to forget about daily hassles, a time to get in touch with your body. Great, but why not diversify, read a book for those 90 mins, watch a film, walk round the park and smell the flowers, have a bath, do proper exercise!


Well i hope that Rowl, Nman and Lovely will forgive me this rant, but you can keep your yoga values, i'm sticking to kick boxing. There were only so many times i could hit the person next to me in yoga and still make it seem like an accident.

So with less modesty, some great new ideas of how to pose as if flying, an ability to breath better and a tasteful array of pink spots i think i have definitely, well and truly earned my Bikram yoga badge.

Vinopolis for money

Counselling session no 3: Better than the last, my therapist asks the greatest questions. Its those simple ones, that really get you thinking. Why do you want to change things? Often for me its because in films everyone seems to have these perfect lives, and i just cant get it though my educated, but obviously thick head, that THEY ARE NOT REAL. people don't have these wonderful relationships, life isn't full of one happy experience after another accompanied by an uplifting tune, shopping can never be fun, and you cant convince an FBI agent not to arrest you for multiple murders so that you can catch the ultimate wave in the 50 year storm.

I went out drinking with Rowl, Junior and the Lawwoman after work on Friday. I can tell it definitely didn't go well as i found a £20 note tucked halfway up Dave our tree like pot plant in our lounge 2 days later and had no idea how it got there? or who's it is?

I didn't intend to drink a lot, and always think that its important to be lucid enough to explain my faith to anyone, no matter when they ask. I'm not convinced that i managed to maintain that on Friday as i couldn't remember where i had left my bike, and had to get Junior to unlock it for me. All in all it was a great night. The highlight/lowlight was finding an open wine tasting session (you don't ask questions after a few pints- but now i want to know why on earth a wine tasting was on late on a Friday night, and why on earth they didn't ask us to leave!?)

So anyways after trying a lot of different wines, no spitting involved. Junior bought two bottles, but in order to ensure he got value for money, us women folk took it upon ourselves to drink as much as possible to make the purchase all the more worthwhile. We were rumbled when they came across us all with full to the bring glasses, delicately, gluging the wine. However after telling us that they didn't believe that a colleague of theirs had poured such volume of wine, and we apologised, promised in unison that we would not do it again, and pointed out our friend buying something, they left us to it. I'm not sure why we left there, i guess we got bored of wine.

In the end, i promised not to cycle home, and then did so as fast as possible. My flatmate always says, if you're gonna cycle drunk, might as well do it as fast as possible. In defence, i luckily didn't die, and i really needed a wee!

'Bodhi: If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love.' - i don't love drinking, or drunk cycling!

Tx You Are My Star....

Tx may be in Uganda but i can feel her warmth from here. I miss her everyday, because there's no-one like her, and when we talk its like starting in the middle of a conversation, no preamble, and always knowing exactly whats going whilst replying with the appropriate tone and question line. I just spoke with her now, and even though our lives are so bizarrely different, she is struggling to make her limited budget at work stretch to digging more wells than humanly possible and improving hygiene practices whilst living in a terribly rural environment with few home comforts, she is still happy, yes HAPPY, to hear me moan about my comfy life here.

If you haven't met Tx imagine sesame streets Zoe on speed. She always has a million things on the go at any one moment, to her no doesn't mean 'NO', it means 'find another way to do it'. She's a restless soul who wont stop until world peace is established; her powerful, dynamic and calm persona offsets her overwhelming desire to remain a 3 year old girl who celebrates every new day by pouring her heart unguarded into everything, often resulting in fabulous victories or tears. She'll never sit still long enough to write a book, she dances when she's happy, challenges me to be a better person, and dresses like no one style is good enough for her.

Most importantly she cooks me homous, jacket potato and macaroni cheese. When she was in London if Xss couldn't cook for me, then she would.

On a roll, here is another sesame street resident to illustrate my friends:

Elmo: XSS. Genuine, honest, and inquisitive. Asks no end of questions but most importantly, loving.

Ernie: Junior. Even emotioned, really genuine and so kind. Has great perception on situations even if he doesn't let on.

Bert: Impy. Ultimately always on a downer and pessimistic about life and any situation he finds himself in, but has a good heart buried beneath it all and secretly like to try hard.

Super Grover: Rowl.

Throws herself whole heartedly into so many different projects all at the same time and really enjoys it. However occasionally finds herself out of her depth and has to bail. Constantly fighting to be brave and courageous despite accurately describing herself as 'highly anxious'.

Big Bird: True.

Central to every episode of life. Can do everything well, says stuff like, "I guess it's better to be who you are. Turns out people like you best that way, anyway" to me constantly to inspire me to continue striving to be myself

Telly: ME.

Obsessed with TV, worries about everything and is obsessed with random things, and random people constantly jumping from one thing to the next.

My Terrible so called work

I'd describe this week as terrible. Which really equates to me getting too wrapped up in work bolloctics and not being able to realise that a tense office environment is not worse than many real life situations people find themselves in.

My manager left on planned leave months ago, so the next manager up then loving receives our team with great joy. However he has done nothing for the last 4 months, limiting the work we can do, eroding the teams’ spirit, and putting us at serious risk by not allocating cases or reading any risk assessments on client files. So this week enough was enough and I called the team together to discuss this. It was a productive session in which we wrote a simple list of all the things we needed doing for us to be able to do our job. It was agreed that as a united front we would present this information to said manager in order to force a change.

However, what I did not calculate for was the impish, leprechaun colleague who had other plans! This man, who is less than straight at the best of times, spent two days running around calling each colleague out of the office one at a time for hushed discussions in private corners in which he managed to convince people that should we raise any complaints each of us useless serfs will be fired in the night, desk cleared and never to return again, with no communication or explanation given! Argh. Moment of wanting to sit crying in the toilets arrived. Dramatic emails to Tx in Uganda, who being the star that she is, called me instantaneously and simply encouraged me to do the right thing. She is amazing, after setting me straight, advising me that truth is all that matters, and if you get shot trying to better something, the world will be grateful even if no-one else is, I re-accepted my quest and a constituency of Rowl and I dejectedly entered the dragons den alone.

It was so liberating though to be straight with the manager and let him know how we felt including pointing out that his numerous broken promises mean that we no longer trust what he says and feel increasingly frustrated with him. He took it well, agreed with the 35 points we raised and agreed that things need to change. He also said he did not have the time to change anything that is not an emergency (staff safety does not qualify then), and weirdly agreed to us escalating this to his manager. Which I did via another well worded email.

I'll find out on Monday what kind of response we'll get, I imagine it won’t be revolutionary, but at least I’ve tried my best.

On a more positive note, Rowl discovered an Urban dictionary which when searching for my name says:

The most amazing person you will ever meet. A bit sarcastic but mostly lovable! If you don't know her too bad! the ppl who have met her are extremely lucky! And you should never push her away. A lil bitchy at times but who's not!Go out and find yourself one!

Now normally I don’t believe in this kind of crap, but I’m willing to make an exception for this. Except of course I’m not bitchy. hahaha.

It also describes blogging as:

Short for weblog. A meandering, blatantly uninteresting online diary that gives the author the illusion that people are interested in their stupid, pathetic life. Consists of such riveting entries as "homework sucks" and "I slept until noon today."

YIPPEE>

The robust, purple, Monster!

By 1030 this morning i was starving, and since it was obviously not lunch time, i figured a packet of crisps would have to suffice. [Lets not talk about my diet- i only recognise 5 main food groups- chocolate, potato's (i.e. chips, crisps, roast potatoes. chips), salad (for days when you need a break from chocolate and potatoes), Diet Coke and boring foods (usually carbohydrates, main meals, which i try to avoid as I'd prefer to spend my 2,000 calories on more fun stuff). ]

So i tried to buy the crisps from the vending machine in our work 'kitchen' (cupboard with yellow lights, microwave minus the rotating glass plate, and no soap). However unsurprisingly the crisps got stuck on the grand fall down and hung precariously there. After a few solid hits they did not move and i could hit no more due to fear that my colleagues would interpret the violence and noise as either a mental health or anger 'problem'. So i recruited Junior to help. With the use of a twisted paper clip we got the crisps out, and they did taste pretty good.

There is a number for comments on top of the machine so ever the optimist i text in:

'Hi Machine maintainer people. I brought a packet of crisps 2day from the lovely purple machine in [our location], BUT unsurprisingly they did not fall down and I've had 2 spend 20 stressful minutes with a paper clip trying 2 beat the fail proof anti-theft system - i won! But surely this should not be happening. Please can i have a free chocolate bar (i like peanut M&M's best) as compensation? U can leave it in an envelop at reception. Best wishes, LE.'

One of may favourite sayings is, 'You miss 100% of the shots you don't take'. I then lamented to Rowl a minute later that no-one had replied when low and behold:

'Thanks for contacting snack-in-the-box we'll be in touch with you when we next swing by - regards Simon'.

Yippee. 'swing by'? They sound casual, perhaps they can dish out free chocolate!

P.S i don't always complain. In fact this week i wrote to a particularly good foster carer i have been working with and thanked her and also sent a letter to her manager singing her praises. If we are going to be quick to complain we should also be quick to praise.

My dream job is.......

I went out for lunch with Rowl today (and last week we went to a quiz and a kickboxing class- does that mean we are officially friends rather than colleagues now?) and had a great conversation about the radically different worlds where people who don't work with Peckham teenagers exist. Her sister works in cosmetics and must have lovely conversations about 'this seasons lipsticks'. It sounds ideal to be there for a while, but i know i would miss the kids after any period of time.

So we got onto our own ideal jobs. And i remembered i found mine in America!! In the shop called American Girl, you can buy 2ft dolls who look like any type of American girl you can imagine. THEN you can bring them into the shop again to get their ears pierced, or their hair done! it costs $30. This is my idea job. Sitting a inanimate object into a little chair (complete with footrest and overhead mirror) and doing its hair into simple styles! Below is a picture of 'the girls' waiting for their hair appointment:
Rowl then found the job description of my ideal job!! here!

The Joys of Football.

Xss went to the football last night, Norwich verses Swindon with his father as they are both big fans. Making me a football widow. Not that i really mind. Especially because last night i had such a great time.

I made it home from work on time, and managed to see the whole of Neighbours (yes, it is the greatest show in the world) AND whom should be on it, not only Dr. Karl being great (the guy who plays him is a legend!) but Lily Allen too. I love neighbours for all its little quirks. My favourite is when there occurs a duplication of characters (they have a set 20 or so, ie. the funny guy, the simple comedy tradesman etc), and they point it out. When Joe Mangel met Joe Scully it was brilliant!

Anyways, so i watched Neighbours and did some washing before going out to a Kick boxing class. Now i have not been kickboxing for over 8 years, but it felt the same as before. My technique has not all gone, i can still train hard and i am encouraged to go again, regularly. It was also accompanied by the joy of overcoming an obstacle as it was a real challenge for me, even with my Colleague Rowl for company, to enter a strange gym, with lots of sweaty strange men and train. But we did it, we didn't stand out that much and everyone was really nice- and no, not just because we were hopeless girls! It made me realise how often in my line of work i encourage socially disadvantaged people to go along to something new, not recognising how hard this actually is.

Well, after showering at home i cooked a nice, healthy meal, whilst Ironing Xss's shirts, then got into a lovely soft bed, with my favourite American chocolate bar (imported by myself), Butterfinger, and watched a ridiculously girly movie with a hot water bottle at my feet. It was wonderful. We are so lucky to be able to surround ourselves with all our favourite smells, sounds, sights and feelings. I should co-ordinate these more often.

I went off to sleep feeling like an effective wife, an impowered female, and highly invested in.