Goodbye Andy's mum

Today i finished my counselling, and the process seems nice and complete. I feel like I've completed a cycle, starting in one place and going through everything to come back to a similar, but happier place than before. However, i also fear it is possible that i have bravely stepped out of my dark warren , like a young buck rabbit on the first day of spring, only to find that on my confident meander into the lovely field of grass (or shall we say possibilities & opportunities) i actually quickly realised that living in a dark warren could really be rather comfortable, change isn't a good thing, i like to have meticulous control, and a warren with a new recordable digi box and ice cream is actually quite a nice place to be; and therefore retracted rapidly back into my comfort zone faster than i could even smell the fresh cut grass; reassuring myself that I'd seen and learnt all i could from outside.

Whichever way, I'm happier.

The most exciting thing i learnt from my counsellor today was that perhaps somethings we do are just random, with no real reason, but often we do things for a reason, hidden or apparent. When i was a teenager i took my curtains down. Not satisfied with that, i then took my curtain rail down and lived for years with no curtains. Later on i painted my ceiling blue, with a swirl of white stars, mapped with luminous spots to create my own little planetarium. Now plenty of kids do this, it could mean nothing. But it could mean that i was trying to remove the barriers between me and the world, trying to remain in my house, but at the same time be liberated and exposed to the raw world.

I did used to like to sleep in the woods.

Counselling Sesion Number 2:

I'm now fairly certain that my counsellor is Andy Flanagan's mum, because there is a picture of her on his website (weird?) and she looks a little like her, so that's good enough for me. I'm loving the process of the sessions whereby my counsellor simply reflects back what i am saying and tries to pull my unconscious thoughts into my conscious. This will often lead to fascinating accurate facts about myself coming to light and really gives me a theory to go home and examine. Today's was- you are using Leo and your parents relationship to try and recreate and improve on the relationship which occurred between yourself and your parents when you were young. Wow. In other words, if i wanted a game gear with sonic the hedgehog on from my parents when i was 6, i have now made it my personal mission to get my parents to get Leo one. To be honest though, you need to replace 'game gear' with 'affection/attention/a loving relationship'.

The slightly bad part of my counselling session, as illustrated above, is that my unconscious guide (and possibly the rest of the world if they knew me well enough?) feels that 4 sessions is not much to deal with all the dusty and faded, Pandora's boxes i have cluttering my attic of a head. So now i have to decide how long i want to attend therapy for. I'm terrified I'm going to become a therapy lifer, and she'll be the one helping me pick out a retirement home!

On a positive note. I found this story on Grace in the South London Press very inspiring.

LA Chic(K)

My manager (LA Chick) kicks ass. She phoned the counselling service for me, and told them that they need to offer me face to face counselling! Yippee. She even threatened to take them to our HR as they were 'discriminating against' me. Coolio. A fixed up, creative, relaxed, whistle in her step LE will be joining us soon, watch this space......

A True friend

True, I LOVE YOU!! Thanks for today. You empower me and encourage me to live my life in the best way i can. You are wonderful. Today was greater than 8 therapy sessions: i probably therefore owe you £400.

A true friend is the person who knows everything about you, and yet still likes you.

My Counsellor's bullying me!

I've tried to access counselling, which took me a long time. The most part of this was taken up with me trying to decide if i needed counselling and what i would say if someone asked me why i wanted it on a good day, when i was in a good mood and felt like i didn't need it.

However, the frequency of which i go from happy as a frog in a thunderstorm to angry enough to want to flying kick every door that ever lived, pushed me to do it. So i called the 'help' line. The lady was nice enough, and we went through the depression and anxiety questionnaires. She then told me that i qualified for four telephone counselling sessions. Everyone qualifies for these.

Despite telling the lady that i did not think that i wanted to do telephone sessions, she insisted i try it as a first step. So my counsellor called me, when i was walking along the southbank one night going to dinner. We discussed when he could call me for my first session, and i again explained that i did not feel comfortable with this. He again, didn't really seem to listen, and i agreed he could call me next Wednesday. Ah-ha. I am not even assertive enough to tell my counsellor, the man i am hoping can help and empower me, that i did not want to do this. Damn.

So, he then called me again another day to rearrange as he had a different open time slot, on a day i had already told him i cannot do. Illustrating that the only thing we had already talked about, he did not listen to. So that was it and i just said no, this is not meeting my needs. I think he was busy as he just accepted it this time.

To conclude it all, they then sent me a feedback form on the service, a prepaid postcard. Great, confidential counselling feedback on a postcard. hahaha. So all in all the counselling has disempowered me, illustrated how weak i am, and put me off asking for help. EVER AGAIN.

How come i work in a job where emotions are important, relationships are crucial and i do direct face-to-face work with individuals because it is generally recognised by..... the world...... that body language, non-verbal communication, and feeling valued and respected are key aspects in communicating with people.

Luckily, i have lots of great friends, and a faith in a God who has confidence in me, so I'll be fine. I have to be. There's no time in life for breakdowns!

P.S Sent a text to True to apologise for not calling and letting her know that i still care but feel overwhelmed. Despite having a life, AND a baby, she called me immediately. She is so lovely. Seriously, i want to be her. How can someone always be so calm and reliable, yet fun and joyful?