What i will tell my daughters......

Dear Starbucks, Cookie & Hero,

A week before Christmas in 2018 three men broke into our flat in London at 11:45am whilst we were home. They kicked in the front door to the block, and then kicked in our front door in order to get into our flat. They wanted to steal our things before Christmas. I was in the kitchen with you, eating our lunch when it happened. I will never forget the moment of fear as I opened our door to the outer hall and had to peer around it worried about the unknown, or how loud I shouted when I saw them. I was scared, very scared, but also because you were all home I know I was also very strong.

However, this was not a story of fear and danger, it is really a story of feeling close of God, and blessings. Although these people broke into our house, I feel no hate towards them, just relief that it happened in the best way possible.

We moved our Tuesday morning bible study to Wednesday for the first time ever. When these men burst in, I had two friends with me, but you also had friends with you. We had enough hands to call the police, stand guard at the broken door and still encourage you to eat your cucumber. You were distracted enough by your friends presence, that even though you heard me shout HELP the loudest I have ever shouted, several times, and that my friends fumbled around for a phone and asked for the police on 999, you were easily sold on the story that I had got excited and started shouting, and broken the door by shutting it badly in my excitement, and that my friends had got a little edgy as they had never seen me excited before (very believable as I have one constant mode suitable for nearly all occasions).

Stopping you from knowing that people had entered our flat by force to take our stuff was all that mattered to me, you were too young to become aware that there are people out to use force against others, or that there are people driven by so much desperation, anger, fear or despair that they begin to not see the others they are hurting by their actions. I am sure you will experience this soon enough, but I want you to dwell in Love and light and community first, so you can appreciate and learn from the contrast.

I found myself afterwards justifying why they were wrong to 'pick on us', we only have one secondhand TV, 2 broken laptops and an I-pad with a crack across the screen; they should have rung on the door bell to see if we were home; we don't live in a fancy looking flat we are obviously not rich. Like there should be a code of conduct for robbers, and some people should not be targeted (by proxy this would mean that some people should be targeted!?!) I've revised this now, and really the code should be, don't burgle people if they are in, and to be fair to them, they ran away when they realised I was. So I'm ok with that. (that and I got a new massive lock for the front door).

I am clear that I think God has been telling us to leave London for the sake of specifically you Starbucks, and this was cemented by this experience and how I thought it would effect you emotionally if you found out. It's been a long time coming, our move to Norwich, but these little things along the way have been moving us practically and emotionally, ready for the change.

When I look back on this incident now, all I can see is God's love. That I had friends home with me that day, that I didn't see clearly the faces of the people involved and so don't think they clearly saw me either, that it was easy to fix within a day, that they took nothing despite having been past my bookcase where my keys to a fairly fancy car sit. It was the most unpersonal event that it could be, and I am healing quickly.

Also its not until you experience events like this that you find out how strong, loved and protected you are. Often as a Christian I find God seemingly far away (is he floating on the clouds?) but right now I know he is right beside me, I felt it as I shouted my heart out. I hope that you girls will realise sometime how much I love you, but more importantly I hope you will find this inner strength, this gut wrenching knowledge that there is a God who loves you beyond your closest understanding standing there with you in all the moments you need him.

Also kiddos, its ok to lie sometimes. ;)

I love you all, Mum.

A Heroic Year!

The baby is one. Big fat one. Accompanying this fact is a happier, more jovial baby who stays in her cot all night, can sleep in until 7am, and reliably eats chips and hot cross buns. I can therefore happily salute myself and feel like I've overcome the hardest year.

 Two keen sisters 'assisted' her in opening her presents. 

 Trying to touch the camera...

 The first birthday cake i've made which i haven't sworn at. I think coming the realisation that i am making these cakes FOR FUN, has helped me to realise, it should be fun!

Stunned by it's beauty. Or confused that we have found such a large beloved orange.

You can tell she is a third child by the amount of food on the wall behind her that we don't even try to clean off anymore. I'll do it all in one go when she is 5.

Celebrating Starbucks

Oh, i love a Caramel Coffee Frappaccino, and on a cold day, a caramel Macchiato, but more than these I love Starbucks. All 6 years of her.

I don't love playing, 'whats that beeping noise?' with her. But i do love that she is curious and caring (she is very aware that a beeping noise could be bad news for her, but also other people). I love that she told her teacher that she knows she is top of the class, despite the fact she is not. I love that she likes riding her bike with me, and that she enjoys putting her top trumps in point order more than she does playing them. Apparently your eldest child is 90% you. (So much so that i am embarrassed to speak to her teachers incase they find out).

How i grew to love my 'Mama' T-shirt

This time around i am REALLY struggling with the physical changes in my body post-natally. I am trying to learn to appreciate and value the beautiful thing which has grown and created 3 new human beings, and i am trying to see this as an honour and a gift. I know that it is. However, I feel like i should wear a badge which boasts that this body has grown 3 people; not because i want to gloat, or put others down, but actually issuing an apology, disguised as an excuse as to why (i feel) my body is now socially unacceptable.

I'm not sure if i am clear enough about the facts that i am EVERSO grateful that i have been able to have kids, and if i could choose between them and my body, I'd choose them (but society is screaming at me that i shouldn't have to choose). And i do appreciate that this is a petty issue. Tiny cosmetic differences i shouldn't even mention, but i just don't feel like the old me.

My only idea of how to recondition my mind to love my new look is to try to view my stretchmarks are tree trunk rings. signs of age, and strength and beauty. depth. unique to nature. My additional weight......? Perhaps i could get a tattoo to hide it all? Im less easy to blow over in the wind now. Really the only solution i feel there is is plastic surgery, but what is that telling my kids? A mum body is something to be fixed?

Part of my problem is that i feel uncomfortable with my own stereotype of overweight people, which was unconscious until today. On closer examination this does not apply to my friends, or really anyone i know, only the presumptions and stereotypes i place on the strangers i see on the street. Judgemental yes, honest yes.

I feel like overweight people in general are:
1) lazy
2) weak
3) eat too much
4) unhealthy
5) past their prime.

 However, when i thinking about individuals i actually know, they are excellent individuals not fitting of the above labels, but healthy and fit within a bigger body. So this is where i need to start for self acceptance. Get fit (this does not mean slim)! Don't be lazy, weak, and unhealthy - focus on changing these things and my size becomes irrelevant to me.

Must learn to dance in the rain.